More than I can Handle

"God will never give you more than you can handle." I hear this quoted over and over. The truth is, it just isn't Biblical. The closest thing to it in the Bible is 1 Corinthians 10:13. 

No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, so that you will be able to endure it.

This verse is talking about temptation, not persecution or suffering. The fact is, there are things that happen in life to good people that they cannot handle at all. Sometimes Christians get cancer and it takes their lives. Sometimes car accidents happen and it causes great suffering. If someone came to my front door and aimed a gun at me and pulled a trigger, that is something that my body could not handle. In the second letter we have of Paul's to the Corinthians, he describes his own situation.

For we do not want you to be unaware, brethren, of our affliction which came to us in Asia, that we were burdened excessively, beyond our strength, so that we despaired even of life; indeed, we had the sentence of death within ourselves so that we would not trust in ourselves, but in God who raises the dead;  who delivered us from so great a peril of death, and will deliver us, He on whom we have set our hope. And He will yet deliver us, (2 Corinthians 1:8-10)

Paul was "burdened excessively, beyond our strength, so that we despaired even of life." Would you tell Paul, "God never gives you more than you can handle, so you must not be handling it well"? People are often given more than they can bear. Sadly, many times people turn to alcohol, drugs, or other sin to escape their problems if only for a while.

Difficult challenges happen frequently. I am going through what is, in some ways, the most difficult challenge of my life. My wife is over nine months pregnant with our son. We are four days past our due date. Back on January 6th, we found out that our Joses has Anencephaly. We have known for five months that our son is going to die shortly after being born. What would you do if you got news like this? In the Anencephaly support groups we are in, we have heard of people who have been driven to alcoholism, adultery, and bankruptcy because they could not bear the load. Where do you turn?

Back in December (one month before we knew of Joses' condition), I was blessed with the opportunity to teach a Bible class for three different churches (two in Florida and one in Tennessee). I had no idea how much I would benefit from those classes. Each of those times, I started with the question: "when you are feeling low, depressed, lost, and alone, where do you turn in scripture to find comfort?" Many people gave many good answers such as Psalm 23 and the book of Philippians. However, the one I enjoyed then and the one that has been the most dear to me since is Psalm 27. I ask that you attempt to read this Psalm through my eyes. This is where I turn when life is more than I can handle.

Psalms 27:1-14

(1)  A Psalm of David. The LORD is my light and my salvation; Whom shall I fear? The LORD is the defense of my life; Whom shall I dread?

(2)  When evildoers came upon me to devour my flesh, My adversaries and my enemies, they stumbled and fell.

(3)  Though a host encamp against me, My heart will not fear; Though war arise against me, In spite of this I shall be confident.

(4)  One thing I have asked from the LORD, that I shall seek: That I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, To behold the beauty of the LORD And to meditate in His temple.

(5)  For in the day of trouble He will conceal me in His tabernacle; In the secret place of His tent He will hide me; He will lift me up on a rock.

(6)  And now my head will be lifted up above my enemies around me, And I will offer in His tent sacrifices with shouts of joy; I will sing, yes, I will sing praises to the LORD.

(7)  Hear, O LORD, when I cry with my voice, And be gracious to me and answer me.

(8)  When You said, "Seek My face," my heart said to You, "Your face, O LORD, I shall seek."

(9)  Do not hide Your face from me, Do not turn Your servant away in anger; You have been my help; Do not abandon me nor forsake me, O God of my salvation!

(10)  For my father and my mother have forsaken me, But the LORD will take me up.

(11)  Teach me Your way, O LORD, And lead me in a level path Because of my foes.

(12)  Do not deliver me over to the desire of my adversaries, For false witnesses have risen against me, And such as breathe out violence.

(13)  I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the LORD In the land of the living.

(14)  Wait for the LORD; Be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the LORD.

Verses 1-3 expresses absolute certainty that banishes fear, regardless how big the threat might be. If God is on our side, who can be against us? He is described here as my light, salvation, and defense (stronghold). There are no difficult circumstances that can shake God.

(2-3) The second verse is past tense while the third verse is future tense. Past deliverances give absolute confidence for the future. The third verse is exaggerated for effect. Imagine the terror of one criminal aiming a gun at you. David says he would not be afraid if an opposing army was aiming for him.

(4) These verses present a single-minded determination to always be in the presence of God. Beholding the beauty of the LORD should be our highest of ambitions in life. When I think about this, petty trials do not seem to matter nearly as much. Twelve thousand years from now, my life will not seem like it was that much longer than my son's life. Yes, I do get comfort knowing I will spend far more time with my son in the afterlife than I will spend with anyone in this life. However, the greatest blessing of heaven is the opportunity to see God in all His glory. Comparatively, NOTHING else matters.

(5-6) God is the one who will lift me out of this situation. The only reason I have my chin up is because God is the lifter of my head (v6). David's reaction to difficult circumstances was to sing praises to God. The night we found out that Joses had Anencephaly, Megan pulled out a song book and we sang together. Hymns have been one of the greatest sources of comfort for us.

(7-12) This prayer of David is for divine aid. God calls each of us to seek His face. It is up to us to say "Your face, O LORD, I shall seek."

(13) This has been the most impactful verse in the Psalm to me lately. Promises of Heaven are wonderful and should be enough motivation for us to move forward, but here David looks to the more immediate future. The "land of the living" would be in contrast to the "realm of the dead." When David says this, he is talking about this life. The reason he did not despair in the middle of trials is because he knew he would see good days again. One thing that has carried Megan and I through this trial is to know that we have laughed together multiple times every day of our marriage and we never plan to stop. Even in the darkest of times, we find something to make us smile. It gives us a glimpse of our future. God will show us his goodness in the future, even in this life.

(14) David's advice for me in this trial is to "Wait for the LORD; Be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the LORD." Yes, there are many circumstances that we cannot handle, but God can handle them all. Stay faithful to God and He will carry us through.

The Hope of David

 One of the most beautiful aspects of the Bible is how easy it is to relate to different characters. As has been mentioned a few times in this blog, my Bible hero (other than Jesus) is Barnabas. He was such an encouraging person, the apostles no longer called him Joses (his real name), but Barnabas (meaning "son of encouragement"). I love his example so much, I have planned for years to name my first son Joses (because naming a kid "Barney" would just be cruel). Though I know I have been able to be like Barnabas by encouraging many people through this blog, lately I have found David to be more relatable.

 

While I never expected to join David in the "dad's with deceased children" club, no one could imagine I would join him in the exclusive club of fathers who are told "the child that is born to you shall surely die" (2 Samuel 12.14b). (If you are not familiar with David's story, I suggest reading 2 Samuel 11 & 12. It says it far better than any attempt for me to summarize it.)

It was after 10:00pm on January 6th, 2014 when Megan and I were sitting in a triage room at the hospital, waiting for our doctor to come tell us the results from our second ultrasound that evening. We had the college football national championship game on in the background as our imaginations were running wild with different possibilities of what the doctor might tell us. We had never heard the word "Anencephaly" before. Our doctor tried to explain to us what it meant. For clarity purposes, Megan asked "so our son never developed a brain and he will probably die?" To which the doctor replied, "Yes to everything except the 'probably' part. Anencephaly is not compatible with life outside the womb."

Both David and I were told with certainty that our children will die. While I was told by a reputable doctor, David was told by a prophet of God. Doctors can make mistakes, God does not. Survival and complete healing of an Anencephaly baby is unprecedented, David's situation was truly impossible. However, David responded by doing something inspiring: he prayed. Immediately after informing the reader that the child was struck with sickness, the text says "David therefore inquired of God for the child" (2 Samuel 12.16). Not only did David pray, he fasted and spent the night laying on the ground. Later in verse 22, David tells us his thought process: "While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept; for I said, 'Who knows, the LORD may be gracious to me, that the child may live.'" In a hopeless situation, David found hope in a merciful and compassionate God. God had the ability to change His mind. David knew God answers the prayers of His children. The text leads us to believe that David fervently prayed for seven days that God might spare his son.

This is where I am right now. David knew of his son's imminent death for seven days, I have known about my son's condition for slightly less than five months. We are three days past his due date and he will likely be born within the next week. Our doctor is suggesting we induce labor by no later than next weekend if he does not come on his own before then. I am toward the end of a period of waiting to see how God will answer my prayers.

Just like Paul and Jesus (as mentioned in my previous post), God answered David's prayer with a "no". God did not relent his punishment and the child died. It is very possible that God will give me the same answer. To me, the most inspiring section of 2 Samuel 12 is when it describes David's response to the death of his son.

Then it happened on the seventh day that the child died. And the servants of David were afraid to tell him that the child was dead, for they said, "Behold, while the child was still alive, we spoke to him and he did not listen to our voice. How then can we tell him that the child is dead, since he might do himself harm!"  (19)  But when David saw that his servants were whispering together, David perceived that the child was dead; so David said to his servants, "Is the child dead?" And they said, "He is dead."  (20)  So David arose from the ground, washed, anointed himself, and changed his clothes; and he came into the house of the LORD and worshiped. Then he came to his own house, and when he requested, they set food before him and he ate. (2 Samuel 12:18-20)

The order in which David acted was obviously planned ahead of time. After not eating for a while, it doesn't seem like a spur of the moment to make a decision to continue forgoing food. There was, at some point, a time when David made a decision how he was going to react to the news that his son has died. He had decided how he would react. I can picture David, laying on the flood with a tear stained face, planning out each possible scenario. If God spared his son, David would immediately worship God. If the child dies, David would immediately worship God. David's response puzzled his servants.

"Then his servants said to him, "What is this thing that you have done? While the child was alive, you fasted and wept; but when the child died, you arose and ate food." He said, "While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept; for I said, 'Who knows, the LORD may be gracious to me, that the child may live.' But now he has died; why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him, but he will not return to me." (2 Samuel 12:21-23).

As a grieving father, I cannot for a single second believe that David stopping loving or missing his son. I am sure David thought of that child often for the rest of his life. I am sure it was especially difficult for David because he carried the guilt of knowing that he was responsible for the child's death. His sin caused the child to die. Thankfully, I do not carry that weight on my conscience.

Something that comforts me is to see David's faith in Heaven. David knew he would see his son once again. Although some may claim that the doctrine of "Heaven and Hell" is only in the New Testament, we have solid evidence that the faithful children of God have always believed in the afterlife where we would join the faithful who go on before us. As Paul explains, Christians do "not grieve as do the rest who have no hope" (1 Thess 4.13). Like David, I know that I have the opportunity to join my son in heaven forever. This does not mean that I will not grieve for my son, but that I do not have to grieve like those who have no hope.

Hope. Hope is an amazing thing. Please consider this last passage:

Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ,  (2)  through whom also we have obtained our introduction by faith into this grace in which we stand; and we exult in hope of the glory of God.  (3)  And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance;  (4)  and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope;  (5)  and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us. Romans 5:1-5 

Hope does not disappoint when it is built around faith in God. If you are reading this and wondering at how I can move forward, it is because I have faith. I can live and worship God because I know that Heaven is just ahead. If you are not living a life of faith and do not have confidence in your salvation, please feel free to contact me.

seththepreacher@gmail.com

All Sufficient Grace for Me

May 26th, 2014 is today's date. It is Memorial Day to most Americans. However, Megan and I have had this date marked for nine months now. Today is Joses due date. He may or may not come today (that is entirely up to him), but it still seems like such an important day to us. As we have approached this day, and even now, I wonder if I am strong enough to go through this trial. When I am honest with myself, I see that I am very weak. However, in 2 Corinthians 12, Paul said that being weak is not so bad.

 Because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, for this reason, to keep me from exalting myself, there was given me a thorn in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to torment me--to keep me from exalting myself!  (8)  Concerning this I implored the Lord three times that it might leave me.  (9)  And He has said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness." Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.  (10)  Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ's sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong. (2 Corinthians 12:7-10)

Although many have speculated what Paul's "thorn in the flesh" was, there are only few things that we know for certain: 1) it was painful, 2) it kept him humble, and 3) Paul wanted the problem to be solved.  I know many people have been praying for us. We have not had an ultrasound to see our son in over a month. It may be true that God has already answered those prayers and corrected my son's neural tube defect. Perhaps God will heal Joses today or even after being born.

From the evidence we have seen, it is likely that God is answering our prayers in a similar way as He answered Paul. I am not sure how many times I personally have prayed that God would save my son. Paul prayed three times for his solution. While Paul received an audible response from God, those same words have been speaking to me from the page in my Bible. "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness."

At first, it seems like a cryptic or even a political way of saying "no". When you dig down to it, Paul is praying for something and God is denying Paul's request in a friendly way. However, the more you think about it, the more meaningful it becomes. Here are three lessons to learn from God's answer:

God's gifts are more than I deserve.

God has blessed me with far more than I deserve. I am a scummy sinner who deserves eternal death (Romans 6:23). No parent would tolerate in their own children the way I have treated my Heavenly Father. Whatever grace God is willing to give to me, it is far more than I deserve.

When I count my blessings, it is unthinkable to accuse God of stealing my son from me. God has blessed me with the past nine months with my son. It has been one of the greatest blessings of my life. If God took not only my son, but my wife, my family, and everything I have away from me today, but still offered salvation to me, it is still far more than I deserve.

God's grace is more than sufficient to meet all of my needs. Even when God answers "no", there are so many more times when He answers with "yes". God's grace is sufficient for me.

Even when the answer is "no", it is because

God wants and knows what is best.

I have no doubt that God is both wise and good and wants to do what is best for me.  I would much rather He be in charge of my life. God has proved Isaiah 55:8-9 to be true many times over.

"For My thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor are your ways My ways," declares the LORD. "For as the heavens are higher than the earth, So are My ways higher than your ways And My thoughts than your thoughts. (Isaiah 55:8-9) 

I do not have the ability to direct my own steps and get where I want to go (c.f. Jeremiah 10:23). To know this is true, all I have to do is look at a few examples in scripture. If you offered a young Joseph the opportunity to be thrown into a pit, then sold into slavery, and then thrown into prison, my guess is that he would have said, "no thanks". He, nor his brothers, nor would anyone else have imagined that God had planned for him to be a great ruler of Egypt. I am sure you would have gotten a similar "no thanks" if you had offered Daniel a chance to be thrown into a lion's den, his three friends to be thrown into a fiery furnace, David to be tormented by Saul, or Job to lose everything he owned. Who would have guessed those stories to end the way they did?

God's providence is amazing. Yes, bad things happen to good people. However, those same bad events always seem to bring someone closer to God. God is glorified through the most difficult of circumstances.

If God answers me with a "no", it is obvious that it is because

God wants me to be more like Jesus.

A Christ-ian's purpose in life is to be like Christ. People of the world should be able to see Jesus living in us. In order for this to happen, we need to become more like Christ. Just like Paul prayed three times for God to remove his thorn, Jesus prayed three times to "let this cup pass from me" (Mat 26:39). Paul's attitude mimics Jesus' statement of "not as I will, but as You will."

Jesus was willing to accept weakness for the purpose of displaying the power of God. God asks us to do the same.

Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus, who, although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, and being made in the likeness of men. Being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. (Philippians 2:5-8)

We are to have the same attitude that Jesus had when He humbled Himself by taking on flesh and dying on the cross. Paul said twice that his thorn was to "keep me from exalting myself" (2 Cor 12:7). Being selfish and proud is the exact opposite of being Christ-like.

God told both Paul and Jesus "no". If God is answering my prayers in a similar way, perhaps God is teaching me to humble myself and rely upon Him.

Conclusion

I do not know how God will answer my prayer. He very well may deny my requests. If He does, then I am in good company. God also answered both Jesus and Paul with "no". Jesus' attitude of "not my will, but yours" is similar to the way Paul responds:

Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ's sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong. (2 Corinthians 12:9b-10)

This time is difficult. Megan and I have both shed many tears. We know that this time will pass before we know it and will probably go by faster than we would like. We can, however, let God be strong for us. We can let His strength be displayed through our weaknesses.

The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away. Blessed be the name of the LORD." (Job 1:21b)

Our Plans

Many people have asked us about our plans for what happens after Joses is born. I am sure many more people are wanting to ask but do not want to upset us. I thought I would share with you this way.

 

We just got back from our 38 week check-up. Everything is quiet and uneventful as usual. Megan's blood pressure is good (the doctor's main concern). She have officially gained a lovely 35 pounds and we are wondering how much of that is Joses. She barely gained weight until her third trimester and now she packing on at least 24 oz every week it seems. Joses is quite active. He had the hiccups when we got to the office and while we waited. He continued to hiccup while they took his heartbeat. 

Joses' due date is Memorial Day, May 26th. Our plan is to avoid a C-section and allow Joses to come on his own if possible. Due to the nature of his condition, Anencephaly babies tend to go post term. Our limited research (asking other Anen parents what happened with them) suggests that he could come anytime between now and 44 weeks.

Megan's mother is here now and my mother will be here on Thursday. They will both be staying with us until after Joses is born.

First, we know that 1) God has His own plan, 2) God answers prayer, 3) God is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, so statistics and man's wisdom does not apply to us in many ways. Only God knows what He has planned for Joses and how long our son will be with us. That being said, we are preparing for any number of paths that might be taken knowing that God's choice is the best choice for us.

We are making arrangements with friends who have a car seat and extra newborn furniture to be on standby to help bring Joses home when Megan is released from the hospital if he is still with us.

We have also made preparations if our son dies. Joses will be buried next to my grandparents in Cookeville, Tennessee. The plots were purchased years ago for our family. We have contacted the funeral home there as well as one here in Clearwater to coordinate the arrangements.

Once Joses has left his earthly tent behind, his body will be transported to the funeral home here in Clearwater where it will be prepared for burial and placed in a casket.  My father desires to drive Joses' casket from Florida to Tennessee. Where he will be kept by the Tennessee funeral home until Megan is cleared for travel. Megan and I will fly to Tennessee for a family-only, grave-side funeral.

Both funeral homes have wonderfully offered all of their services for Joses for free. All we will have to pay for is the infant casket and death certificate. All funeral related expenses (besides travel) will cost less than $300.

Prayers are still coveted. We have that "ready to meet him" fever but know that hello also means goodbye, so we want the time to slow down, too. It's a weird middle ground. Thank you for all of your love and concern throughout this pregnancy. It has helped SO much.

Thoughts on Sunrise

I often wake up before daylight and go watch the sunrise over Tampa Bay. It took me five minutes in heavy traffic this morning to drive from my house to this pier in Safety Harbor, FL. While there are a few things that come to mind every time I witness the sun breaking over the horizon, each of these thoughts have taken on a new light (pun intended) because Joses is always on my mind.

Just a passing moment of beauty

My father and mother are here visiting with us from Tennessee for a few days. My dad and I are early risers. Dawn was already upon us when we decided to drive to Safety Harbor to see the sun rise. Since it was so light outside already, we were afraid we were going miss that magical moment when the sun peaks it's brim over the horizon. The sky was on fire with every variation of red, yellow, and orange as we were driving. But just as God is faithful to his promises, the sun is was right on schedule this morning. We got there about ten minutes before that special moment. I started taking pictures of the dawn from different vantage points. It amazes me how each second gives you a different picture.

We saw a gentleman there that comes every morning with his dog. While we were paying attention to my dog Philo and the other dog playing with each other, the man said, "It sure is a beautiful sunrise this morning." When I turned around, only the bottom tip of the sun was no longer visible. We had missed those few seconds when the sun first comes in sight. I am always amazed at how quickly the sun rises.

While all of life is short, I am learning right now just how brief it passes. Even if we are in the rare category and get a few weeks or a few months with Joses, that time will seem so short compared to our expected life without him after he passes away. All we have are just moments with him to make the most of because they will soon be gone.

My thoughts then go to my own mortality and realize how quickly my life has been passing. It seems like just a couple of years have passed since college when in reality, it was a decade ago. It seems like I have always looked forward to that next step in life, but just like that sunrise this morning, the moment that I am in is gone as soon as it came.

The sunrise, time with my son, and the moment in which I am living are all beautiful. However, each fade away just as soon as they arrive.   "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead,  (4)  to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you,  (5)  who by God's power are being guarded through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time." (1 Peter 1:3-5)

This is a daily gift from God that I often miss

When I stand and watch the sun rise over the water, I think about how many people are missing this amazing moment. They are either sleeping, or driving to work, or preoccupied with other aspects of life. Then I realize how often I do not slow down to enjoy and appreciate the blessings of God. Even though the sun rises every day, I do not always see it. There are days that God sends blessings that I do not witness in person.

I do not know who originally said it, but I heard a common quote in a sermon once that says "What if you woke up today with only the things you were thankful for yesterday?" Sadly, I would not wake up with many things on most days. There are so many blessings in my life that I do not see, think about, or realize how sad my life would be without them.

On days I am tempted to think, "Why me? Why my son?"; I should ask "Why am I so blessed?" Instead of being sad or angry for the time I will not get with Joses, I should be thankful for the time I have with him now. There are so many lessons I am learning right now about God through my son. I do not want to have to bury Joses. However, growing closer to God over the past few months has been worth all of the pain I have felt. Is there a greater blessing than growing closer to God?

If God's temporary creation is this beautiful, how much more heaven must be

My son will never see the sunrise. He will not get to experience a soft breeze, the beauty of a waterfall, the feel of soft grass between his toes, or any other beautiful seen every day in this world. Although this makes me sad, I am reminded that heaven will surely be far more beautiful. 1 Timothy 6.15-16 describes God as "the blessed and only Sovereign, the King of kings and Lord of lords, who alone has immortality, who dwells in unapproachable light, whom no one has ever seen or can see."

If so much detailed beauty could be put in something temporary, how much thought and detail has gone into designing God's permanent home? My son will see far more beautiful things than I will while he waits for Jesus to call us all home to heaven.

With the temporary nature of this world, my desire is to be like Jesus, the ultimate example of God's Servant in Isaiah 50.4-5 who says, "The Lord GOD has given Me the tongue of disciples, That I may know how to sustain the weary one with a word. He awakens Me morning by morning, He awakens My ear to listen as a disciple. The Lord GOD has opened My ear; And I was not disobedient Nor did I turn back."

A Mother's Perspective (by Megan)

While Seth normally is the one who shares all information, today I (Megan) am writing to update everyone on Joses’ current progress.  We are in the 34^th week of our pregnancy and today we went to the high risk pregnancy office. We have ultrasounds every 6 or 8 weeks to check the amount of amniotic fluid surrounding Joses.  One of the few risks with carrying him to term is that the amount of fluid in my uterus can be higher than that of a normal pregnancy which can cause high blood pressure. Luckily, my blood pressure looks good and the fluid levels are only slightly above normal. The doctor said that the amount of fluid currently built up is a little bit above the 90^th percentile but he has seen much worse in other anencephalic pregnancies. We were not able to get any pictures because of his position and because of his size at this phase in the pregnancy. His head is straight down and his feet are tucked under his knees.  I was a little disappointed that he was so hard to see. This will probably be the last time we see him before he is born.  Surprisingly, he is larger than I expected him to be. Even with the abscess in his head, he weighs approximately 5 pounds and 6 ounces. They can’t exactly predict his birth weight but if he progresses at a half a pound each week, he very well may be a little over 7 pounds when he is born. From the signs we saw, he is progressing well with a strong heart beat and we should have a little more time before he makes his appearance. According to my doctors, Joses could come in the next few weeks or could wait as long as 44 weeks, depending on my condition. The goal right now is to let Joses determine when he’s going to come.

Seth and I are looking forward to enjoying several more weeks of feeling him and making memories with him.

Although Seth and I are enjoying our time with Joses, everything still strikes us as bittersweet.  We look forward to kissing his sweet face and inspecting his perfect little hands and feet. On the other hand, we wonder how much time we will have with him alive. We pray fervently that he will be healed. However, we still remember that God may use Joses in a different way and that things will probably continue to go on as they have. We smile when we see little ones but then tears fill our eyes when we see little boys with their mommies and daddies. Our time with Joses is precious but knowing that this part of our journey with him is almost over is very difficult, particularly on me. I long to hold my son and be free of the discomfort of pregnancy, but I don’t want to lose of moments that I have with him growing and moving inside of me. I am growing to understand the meaning of “redeeming the time”.  There are so many things we want to do with him before we say goodbye. There are so many pictures we want in his memory book and there so many things I want to make for him but there is so little time.

When we first got this diagnosis, I wanted the time between January and May to pass as quickly as possible. I wanted the hurt and the uncertainty to go away. I was so scared.  In the weeks after we found out, I was in shock. I wasn’t sure how to connect with my little one. I struggled to enjoy his movements. I didn’t know what to pray for.  I didn’t know how I would feel about holding him in my arms after he passed. I felt shallow. I felt like a bad mother and I was scared that I wouldn’t love my son as I should. Now, as the pregnancy draws to a close many of those feelings have changed. I am scared to say goodbye again. I can’t imagine loving him anymore than I already do. I dread having to let go of this very intimate connection.  I wonder if I’ll ever be able to feel as strongly for a little one the way I love my son. When I see that a new baby is born (and there are so many right now) I rejoice for the parents. They will have challenges and they will have joy. However, it also reminds me that what is a beginning for most little ones is, in a sense, the end for mine. While I see parents beginning a new and deep connection with their little one, I know that  it will be the end of the connection I have with Joses on this Earth. I understand now what a precious gift God has given me. This time and these experiences are priceless.

Joses at 24 weeks

While I do mourn the time I will not have, I pray that the Lord never lets me forget how beautiful a gift He’s given me. I have been a shelter to another life. I have had someone to care for and nurture each day that truly relies on me.  I have felt his little body move inside of me.  I have a son. So many women are never blessed with any of those things even though they long to be mothers. On the other hand, so many women abort babies before they ever get to really enjoy that connection. I ache for those babies and I ache for those mothers.

I am truly blessed and have been given a priceless gift. God has placed inside of me a little life that truly encourages me. God has used this little one to strengthen me, my marriage, and most importantly, my faith in Him.  Is this pregnancy hard? YES. Is it worth it? Absolutely.

My prayer for all who hear Joses’ story is that they value life. If you are ever blessed with a little one as we have been, I pray that you never see that little life as anything other than the gift that he or she is. Every good and PERFECT gift comes from above (James 1:17) and my all-powerful Creator does not make mistakes.

What Can you Say?

Megan had no idea I was taking this picture. She was lying down on the bed and feeling our son do laps around her insides. I am not sure I have ever seen her so happy. She is taking care of our son. She is being his protector like no one else can. She is undoubtedly a mother. We will get to hold our precious son. We will have pictures and memories to cherish for the rest of our lives.

Mixed into these moments of joy are times of the deepest grief either of us have ever felt. We do not always anticipate them coming. For example, Megan and I were on a pleasant walk through the park near our home. We turned a corner and a young mother and her toddler were laughing as they were rolling in the grass together. It was a beautiful moment of something we will never be able to do with Joses. Yesterday was difficult because Megan was reminded that there were only sixty days until Joses' due date. Now it is just fifty-nine. While we are excited to meet our son, we dread losing him. While Megan is tired of having weird pains and the inability to bend over, she loves feeling Joses move around inside her. We are less than fifty-nine days away from the birth of our son and in all likelihood, less than fifty-nine days from having to say goodbye.

It may seem strange, but saying both "congratulations" and "I'm sorry" in the same breath is exactly what we need to hear. Megan will give birth to our son. We will have great moments of joy that only new parents can feel. For these reasons, it is certainly appropriate for you to rejoice with us. At the same time, what can you say to a couple who will be losing their son? The English language does not contain any words that can make that pain go away. Paul commands in Romans 12:15 to "Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep." Right now, we need both.

Many people have spoken to us about our situation. Everyone has good intentions in their words, but some are less comforting than others. Through all of this, I have learned what and what not to say to people who are grieving. If a man tragically lost his wife in an accident, no one would tell him "You can always get another wife." Our grieving is not because we are not getting to be parents, but we are parents only for a moment to Joses. We will never hear him laugh, coo, sing, or say "daddy." We will always miss his face, his voice, and his smile. We know there will be bright days ahead of us and if God wills, multiple children. However, we will always miss our Joses. No child will ever replace him. While we know that it is well intended, "you can have more children" is not all that comforting.

Some of the greatest comforters in the Bible were Job's friends. They came to him after losing his children "sat down on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights with no one speaking a word to him, for they saw that his pain was very great" (Job 2:13).  Two chapters later, they opened their mouths and gave Job bad advice that did far more harm than good. Just being their for Job must have given great comfort. Some of the greatest comfort to us have been people who have come to us saying, "I do not know what to say. I'm sorry. You are in my prayers." Sometimes all it takes is having a sympathetic eye offering a simple nod, hug, or smile.

In the three months since we learned the word "Anencephaly", we have seen several of our friends go through great struggles. Although their struggles are different, we all having some things in common. I have learned:
1) It is ok to not know what to say.
2) Say, "I'm sorry." (It is usually enough)
3) Let them vent if they need to.
4) Do not avoid them. (Even if it makes you uncomfortable, it makes them more so. Without forcing them, welcome them back into your company.)
5) Unless you have been through their exact situation, they do not need advice. They have researched their situation far more than you have. Just be there to listen. (and refer to #1 and 2).
5) Do not expect them to always be sad or happy on your timeline.
6) A hug is worth a thousand words.


Some of the ideas for this post came from another parent of an Anencephaly child.
http://brodymicah.blogspot.com/2014/03/why-its-ok-to-say-congratulations-and.html