What Can you Say?

Megan had no idea I was taking this picture. She was lying down on the bed and feeling our son do laps around her insides. I am not sure I have ever seen her so happy. She is taking care of our son. She is being his protector like no one else can. She is undoubtedly a mother. We will get to hold our precious son. We will have pictures and memories to cherish for the rest of our lives.

Mixed into these moments of joy are times of the deepest grief either of us have ever felt. We do not always anticipate them coming. For example, Megan and I were on a pleasant walk through the park near our home. We turned a corner and a young mother and her toddler were laughing as they were rolling in the grass together. It was a beautiful moment of something we will never be able to do with Joses. Yesterday was difficult because Megan was reminded that there were only sixty days until Joses' due date. Now it is just fifty-nine. While we are excited to meet our son, we dread losing him. While Megan is tired of having weird pains and the inability to bend over, she loves feeling Joses move around inside her. We are less than fifty-nine days away from the birth of our son and in all likelihood, less than fifty-nine days from having to say goodbye.

It may seem strange, but saying both "congratulations" and "I'm sorry" in the same breath is exactly what we need to hear. Megan will give birth to our son. We will have great moments of joy that only new parents can feel. For these reasons, it is certainly appropriate for you to rejoice with us. At the same time, what can you say to a couple who will be losing their son? The English language does not contain any words that can make that pain go away. Paul commands in Romans 12:15 to "Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep." Right now, we need both.

Many people have spoken to us about our situation. Everyone has good intentions in their words, but some are less comforting than others. Through all of this, I have learned what and what not to say to people who are grieving. If a man tragically lost his wife in an accident, no one would tell him "You can always get another wife." Our grieving is not because we are not getting to be parents, but we are parents only for a moment to Joses. We will never hear him laugh, coo, sing, or say "daddy." We will always miss his face, his voice, and his smile. We know there will be bright days ahead of us and if God wills, multiple children. However, we will always miss our Joses. No child will ever replace him. While we know that it is well intended, "you can have more children" is not all that comforting.

Some of the greatest comforters in the Bible were Job's friends. They came to him after losing his children "sat down on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights with no one speaking a word to him, for they saw that his pain was very great" (Job 2:13).  Two chapters later, they opened their mouths and gave Job bad advice that did far more harm than good. Just being their for Job must have given great comfort. Some of the greatest comfort to us have been people who have come to us saying, "I do not know what to say. I'm sorry. You are in my prayers." Sometimes all it takes is having a sympathetic eye offering a simple nod, hug, or smile.

In the three months since we learned the word "Anencephaly", we have seen several of our friends go through great struggles. Although their struggles are different, we all having some things in common. I have learned:
1) It is ok to not know what to say.
2) Say, "I'm sorry." (It is usually enough)
3) Let them vent if they need to.
4) Do not avoid them. (Even if it makes you uncomfortable, it makes them more so. Without forcing them, welcome them back into your company.)
5) Unless you have been through their exact situation, they do not need advice. They have researched their situation far more than you have. Just be there to listen. (and refer to #1 and 2).
5) Do not expect them to always be sad or happy on your timeline.
6) A hug is worth a thousand words.


Some of the ideas for this post came from another parent of an Anencephaly child.
http://brodymicah.blogspot.com/2014/03/why-its-ok-to-say-congratulations-and.html