A Mother's Perspective (by Megan)

While Seth normally is the one who shares all information, today I (Megan) am writing to update everyone on Joses’ current progress.  We are in the 34^th week of our pregnancy and today we went to the high risk pregnancy office. We have ultrasounds every 6 or 8 weeks to check the amount of amniotic fluid surrounding Joses.  One of the few risks with carrying him to term is that the amount of fluid in my uterus can be higher than that of a normal pregnancy which can cause high blood pressure. Luckily, my blood pressure looks good and the fluid levels are only slightly above normal. The doctor said that the amount of fluid currently built up is a little bit above the 90^th percentile but he has seen much worse in other anencephalic pregnancies. We were not able to get any pictures because of his position and because of his size at this phase in the pregnancy. His head is straight down and his feet are tucked under his knees.  I was a little disappointed that he was so hard to see. This will probably be the last time we see him before he is born.  Surprisingly, he is larger than I expected him to be. Even with the abscess in his head, he weighs approximately 5 pounds and 6 ounces. They can’t exactly predict his birth weight but if he progresses at a half a pound each week, he very well may be a little over 7 pounds when he is born. From the signs we saw, he is progressing well with a strong heart beat and we should have a little more time before he makes his appearance. According to my doctors, Joses could come in the next few weeks or could wait as long as 44 weeks, depending on my condition. The goal right now is to let Joses determine when he’s going to come.

Seth and I are looking forward to enjoying several more weeks of feeling him and making memories with him.

Although Seth and I are enjoying our time with Joses, everything still strikes us as bittersweet.  We look forward to kissing his sweet face and inspecting his perfect little hands and feet. On the other hand, we wonder how much time we will have with him alive. We pray fervently that he will be healed. However, we still remember that God may use Joses in a different way and that things will probably continue to go on as they have. We smile when we see little ones but then tears fill our eyes when we see little boys with their mommies and daddies. Our time with Joses is precious but knowing that this part of our journey with him is almost over is very difficult, particularly on me. I long to hold my son and be free of the discomfort of pregnancy, but I don’t want to lose of moments that I have with him growing and moving inside of me. I am growing to understand the meaning of “redeeming the time”.  There are so many things we want to do with him before we say goodbye. There are so many pictures we want in his memory book and there so many things I want to make for him but there is so little time.

When we first got this diagnosis, I wanted the time between January and May to pass as quickly as possible. I wanted the hurt and the uncertainty to go away. I was so scared.  In the weeks after we found out, I was in shock. I wasn’t sure how to connect with my little one. I struggled to enjoy his movements. I didn’t know what to pray for.  I didn’t know how I would feel about holding him in my arms after he passed. I felt shallow. I felt like a bad mother and I was scared that I wouldn’t love my son as I should. Now, as the pregnancy draws to a close many of those feelings have changed. I am scared to say goodbye again. I can’t imagine loving him anymore than I already do. I dread having to let go of this very intimate connection.  I wonder if I’ll ever be able to feel as strongly for a little one the way I love my son. When I see that a new baby is born (and there are so many right now) I rejoice for the parents. They will have challenges and they will have joy. However, it also reminds me that what is a beginning for most little ones is, in a sense, the end for mine. While I see parents beginning a new and deep connection with their little one, I know that  it will be the end of the connection I have with Joses on this Earth. I understand now what a precious gift God has given me. This time and these experiences are priceless.

Joses at 24 weeks

While I do mourn the time I will not have, I pray that the Lord never lets me forget how beautiful a gift He’s given me. I have been a shelter to another life. I have had someone to care for and nurture each day that truly relies on me.  I have felt his little body move inside of me.  I have a son. So many women are never blessed with any of those things even though they long to be mothers. On the other hand, so many women abort babies before they ever get to really enjoy that connection. I ache for those babies and I ache for those mothers.

I am truly blessed and have been given a priceless gift. God has placed inside of me a little life that truly encourages me. God has used this little one to strengthen me, my marriage, and most importantly, my faith in Him.  Is this pregnancy hard? YES. Is it worth it? Absolutely.

My prayer for all who hear Joses’ story is that they value life. If you are ever blessed with a little one as we have been, I pray that you never see that little life as anything other than the gift that he or she is. Every good and PERFECT gift comes from above (James 1:17) and my all-powerful Creator does not make mistakes.