Asking Why with Job

The following post was written in a collaborative effort with my wife and is written from her perspective. She wrote her part three days after our son died.

"We haven't seen any signs of life in a while. He's already gone." I had been pushing for over three hours when my doctor confirmed what my heart already knew; Joses' little body couldn't take all of the stress he was going through. Up until I had started pushing, my labor had been easy, his heartbeat was incredibly strong, and I could feel so many of his movements. As I felt him lowering before I pushed, I remember looking at my nurse and saying "He's fighting! He's going to make it. I'm going to see him alive." How could he not be born alive? He was so far down and just a few pushes and he would out, right? They could see his head. He was so close.  I thought God was going to answer my prayer with a "YES!".

My pleas to see Joses healed or at least to see him alive were not answered the way I wanted. Even while I had him in my arms, I just wanted to know "WHY?! Why didn't I get to see him alive?! Why does his little body have to seem so broken? Why didn't God save him?" I almost felt robbed.  I wanted answers.

I have felt comfort from the Bible account of a man named Job who lived thousands of years ago. He not only lost one son, but all of his sons and daughters on the same day because of a natural disaster. On the same day, he received news that all of his oxen, donkeys, sheep, camels, and many of his servants were either killed or taken by robbers. Job lost everything. He went from having a houseful of children to having an empty home. Job never lost his faith. He still worshiped God. But having faith in God didn't change the pain Job felt. He was so low, he wished for  his life to be taken, too.  Job didn't know why he was going through these trials. He wanted to plead with God for answers. His friends thought they had the answers and they tried to "enlighten" Job. Now, more than ever, I understand Job asking God "why?". Fortunately for us, the last five chapters of the book are devoted to God answering Job's question of "Why?". However, God never says exactly why those terrible events occurred. Instead, God takes a different approach.

In Job chapter 38, God first comes to silence Job's friends. He made it very clear that he was not pleased with the counsel of Job's three friends by asking "Who is this who darkens counsel WITHOUT knowledge?" (Job 38:2). His friends might have guessed at why God acted this way or that, but God says that no one knows His mind. We have been given advice and council from a number of people who are guessing why God chose to take our son away. The truth is, not a single one of them knows the mind of God and why I never felt him breathing. Thousands of people were praying for his healing and God said "no" to every single one of them. Why? Only God knows.

Next, God says:

"Now gird up your loins like a man, And I will ask you, and you instruct Me!" (Job 38:3)

Notice how God starts by telling Job to put on his big boy pants and get ready for a series of questions. He starts by asking:
 

"Where were you when I laid the foundation of the earth? Tell Me, if you have understanding, Who set its measurements? Since you know. Or who stretched the line on it? "On what were its bases sunk? Or who laid its cornerstone, When the morning stars sang together And all the sons of God shouted for joy? "Or who enclosed the sea with doors When, bursting forth, it went out from the womb; When I made a cloud its garment And thick darkness its swaddling band, And I placed boundaries on it And set a bolt and doors, And I said, 'Thus far you shall come, but no farther; And here shall your proud waves stop'?

(Job 38:4-11)

God created the world with a plan. Job did not know any more of the details of that plan than I do. We are overwhelmingly ignorant of how God created the world. Not only did He create the world, He maintains it by His decree.

"Have you ever in your life commanded the morning, And caused the dawn to know its place, That it might take hold of the ends of the earth, And the wicked be shaken out of it? (Job 38:12-13)

Sure, we have science which somewhat explains how we have observed the way some things work, but we cannot command the sun to rise nor to stop it. We can study and observe, but we still know very little of everything there is to know about this earth. In fact, there is an entirely different type of world underwater of which man has explored very little. God asks Job:

"Have you entered into the springs of the sea Or walked in the recesses of the deep? "Have the gates of death been revealed to you, Or have you seen the gates of deep darkness? "Have you understood the expanse of the earth? Tell Me, if you know all this. (Job 38:16-18)

He asks about light, how light travels, the source of light, and the relationship between light and darkness. Even the greatest experts today still have many things they cannot yet explain. The truth is, no one is old enough remember when set all of these things in motion. In a beautifully sarcastic sentence, God tells Job; "You know, for you were born then, And the number of your days is great!" (Job 38:21)

But God does not limit the discussion to this earth. God then asks about the stars and their constellations.

"Can you bind the chains of the Pleiades, Or loose the cords of Orion? "Can you lead forth a constellation in its season, And guide the Bear with her satellites? "Do you know the ordinances of the heavens, Or fix their rule over the earth?

(Job 38:31-33)

We may be able to study and observe from a far distance, but we have no power over stars that are light years away from us.

In the next chapter, God asks Job about how much he knows and controls the behavior in animals. For example, He asks, "Is it by your understanding that the hawk soars, Stretching his wings toward the south? "Is it at your command that the eagle mounts up And makes his nest on high? (Job 39:26-27).

We see that in all things, great and small, God is in control. God's hand cares for all things.

After two chapters of unanswerable questions, God comes to Job in chapter 40 and asks "Will the faultfinder contend with the Almighty? Let him who reproves God answer it" (Job 40:2). Job had no answer but to say "I am insignificant; what can I reply to You? I lay my hand on my mouth." Job could not answer, Job had to see how small he was in comparison to God.

God again tells Job one more time to put on his big boy pants and this time, not just to answer some questions, but this time to do God's job for Him. If you really want to question God, He will look at you and say "you think you could do better?" Notice this "if you can" inquiry:

Then the LORD answered Job out of the storm and said, "Now gird up your loins like a man; I will ask you, and you instruct Me. "Will you really annul My judgment? Will you condemn Me that you may be justified? "Or do you have an arm like God, And can you thunder with a voice like His? "Adorn yourself with eminence and dignity, And clothe yourself with honor and majesty. "Pour out the overflowings of your anger, And look on everyone who is proud, and make him low. "Look on everyone who is proud, and humble him, And tread down the wicked where they stand. "Hide them in the dust together; Bind them in the hidden place. "Then I will also confess to you, That your own right hand can save you. (Job 40:6-14)

Do you want to annul God's judgment and condemn Him so that you might be justified. Are you really sure that your way is the best way? He then challenges Job to an arm wrestling match and then voice comparison. If you can Job, just try to adorn yourself with eminence and dignity. Why don't you try, by your own power, to clothe yourself with honor and majesty. Job does not have the power and complete control over the destination of the wicked like God does, but God challenges Job to try. Then and only then would God have to confess to Job. However, that confession would only be that Job can save himself from his trouble.

God's plan is complete, perfect, and is exactly what needs to be done. Who am I to condemn God so that I could get my way. I do not have an arm or a voice like His. I do not know the entire plan like He does. I cannot obtain righteousness, eminence, dignity, honor or majesty without God. I need God's salvation, grace, and mercy in my life. Who am I to turn around and demand answers from Him?

The Lord never tells Job why anything happened to him. Instead, he questioned  Job  and in beautiful detail He reminded Job that there was so much more to His plan  than what Job could possibly imagine. Job was not there when God put all things into motion. Job couldn't see the big picture. He had no grounds on which to argue with God.  God's reply to his servant Job reminds me that God does not answer to me and I do not have the big picture. He is aware of all things, great and small, because He is the Creator of all things (Job 38-42), He declares the end from the beginning (Isaiah 46:10), knows and wants what is best for His children (Mathew 6:25-34), and is the giver of every perfect gift (James 1:17). That should be enough.

God did bless Job. He not only became wealthy again, he was given far more than he had before. Job also went on to have ten more children. Even so, Job still went through a great loss. Those first children were never brought back to him. I will likely have more children, but my Joses will never be brought back to me. He is gone until I meet him after I die. We are never told that God explained to Job why those children had to die. In the past several thousands of years, who knows how many people have found comfort in Job's story. Yes, Job had great pain when he lost his children, but it is mind blowing to think about how much that event has impacted the world.

 I'm realizing that I have a very small viewing window of God's purpose and how he uses his servants.  I only have glimpses of how God has used Joses' life.  Just as I don't know how far God has and will make Joses' life reach, I also don't know why God allowed Joses to leave this Earth when He did. I do  know that for eternity, my son is in God's care and there is no greater joy than that (III John 1:4).

I don't know why. Only God knows His purpose for Joses. All I know is God is the giver of all good gifts and my sweet son is a good gift. May God use my life and my son's death for His eternal purpose.

Joses' Delivery Story

Joses Andrew McDonald was born sleeping at 10:18 a.m. on Tuesday, June 17th, 2014 at Mease Countryside Hospital in Clearwater, Florida. We have known for over five months that Joses might not be able to survive the birthing process. It was on January 6th that we found out that our sweet son had a neural tube defect known as Anencephaly.

Though there are many things about our "Journey with Joses" that we will never forget, memories do tend to fade over time. It is Megan's and my goal to chronicle our memories from the last ten months. We want to preserve how we spent our only time with our son this side of eternity. Although I am not sure how many entries in this digital diary we may make, I would like to begin with one of the later chapters. This is our story of the last few days we had with our son and the subsequent days without him.

(We are in no way ashamed of our son. He was amazingly beautiful and we are happy to share select pictures of him with you. We will not be publicly sharing pictures of his face because we do not want those pictures taken and abused by people we do not know. If you see us in person, we would be happy to share those pictures of our beautiful son with you.)

Monday, June 9th

Megan was 42 weeks pregnant with Joses and was not dilated at all yet. Our doctor was not wanting to add any additional risk of Megan having a C-section so we were told to continue to wait. We were seeing him twice per week at this point, hoping each time that the process had progressed enough where we could safely induce labor.

Wednesday, June 11th

Megan started noticing small bumps developing on the palms of her hands. They did not itch too badly at this point. She just wondered what they were and if she was allergic to something new.

Thursday, June 12th

The bumps on Megan's hands had spread to the rest of her arms and started showing up on her legs and were beginning to itch. We went back to the doctor's office for our scheduled appointment. The doctor said the bumps were typical in pregnancy and said the only way to get rid of them ultimately was to deliver the baby so he wanted to focus more on checking her cervix. Unfortunately, we did not get the news for which we were hoping. Megan still had not dilated any and we were told to come back on Monday.

Saturday, June 14th -- News Day

Megan's rash had spread even more and was making her skin turn rubbery. The pain and discomfort was unbearable. When we called the doctor, he said to come in for her third visit that week. Although he could do very little to help with the rash (also known as PUPPPS), Megan had dilated to 1 1/2 centimeters. We decided that we would induce labor on Monday morning at 10:30a.m.

We excitedly called our fathers who jumped in my father's van that afternoon and started their drive to Florida. We also sent text messages to our siblings to let them know of our news. Tears of joy started rolling down our faces when my sister Mara and her husband Evan called us to say that they rearranged their schedule and were driving from their home in Memphis to stay the night at my sister Leah's home in Shelbyville, TN so the three of them could come to Florida to meet my son.

Sunday, June 15 -- Father's Day

My son was still alive and safely living in Megan's tummy. I actually got to spend Father's Day as a father to my son. I could still love on him, talk to him, and take care of him. It was a wonderful gift.

I received a few other small gifts, but not many as exciting as learning that my brother Kyle was joining Mara, Evan, and Leah in the car ride to Florida. Unfortunately, Kyle's wife Kayla woke up sick and was unable to come with them.

The good news kept coming Megan's youngest brother Stephen was going to drive on Sunday afternoon from Cincinnati, Ohio to Athens, Alabama to climb in their brother Alex's car to drive overnight to Florida so they could meet their nephew.

 We had not expected any of our siblings to be able to come down to join us. Now everyone was coming except Kyle's wife Kayla and Leah's husband Dathan. We were so excited to be able to share our son with people who love him.

Monday, June 16th -- Inducing Day

With little to no sleep, Alex and Stephen arrived at our house in Clearwater, Florida at about 9:30 a.m. Between our parents and our siblings, there were twelve people who gathered in our living room to take a moment as a family and sing a few hymns before Megan and I left to go to the hospital. It was a time filled with tears, prayer, and thanksgiving. I adore my family and their love for us and their love for God. The last hymn we sang was M. W. Bassford's song "Rock of My Heart." Here are the lyrics:

My Lord, I need nothing beside You;

Without You, I could not have stood.

Your promise is my hope and my refuge;

Your nearness, my strength and my good.

When I was distressed and embittered,

By things I could not understand,

Your presence was continually with me;

You always took hold of my hand.

I know that Your counsel will guide me

In wisdom, devotion, and love,

And afterward, You'll call me to glory

To dwell in Your presence above.

My heart may be broken within me;

My earthly strength may depart.

But You are my portion forever,

You are the Rock of my Heart.

You are the Rock of my Heart.

The song really does explain how we all felt that morning. We had no idea what God would choose to do. Would Joses live for weeks, days, hours, minutes, or would he be born alive at all? There were so many questions floating around in our heads. All we knew is that God would carry us through it.

After a group picture, Megan and I climbed into our car and drove to the hospital. They gave us a large corner room that we stayed in the entire time we were there. We had two sweet nurses who answered all of our questions, made us comfortable, and carefully went over our birth plan. They did a wonderful job of making us feel at ease.


 Three hours after we arrived, Megan was given some medicine to help soften her cervix and the waiting began. She began to have contractions close together  but luckily they smoothed out and we continued on with that particular medication. After we got settled in, the family came over to visit with us for a while.

After a two hour nap in the afternoon, our family came to visit with us again and bring me some dinner from Chipotle. Everyone was there except Mara, Evan, and Kyle. They had told my mother that they were going to go pick up a surprise. We were so happy when our sister-in-law Kayla walked in the room. She had felt better on Monday and was able leave her children (my niece and nephew) with her parents and fly down to Florida to be with us.

The nurses checked Megan again and her cervix had softened some, but stayed at 1 1/2 centimeters. The plan was to start using Pitocin to induce contractions around 1:30 a.m.. They said it was to be expected and that the baby would probably come no sooner than Tuesday afternoon. Megan rarely complains, but the itching from her PUPPPs was driving her crazy. She said the itching was way worse than the early-labor contractions. The nurses gave her some pain medication to help her sleep. This is when our family left for the night. Megan was able to go into a light sleep, but the pain of the contractions continued to intensify. 

Tuesday, June 17th -- Joses' Birthday

1:00 a.m.

Pretty close to the time they were thinking about giving Megan the medicine to induce, Megan asked me to go get her some more ice water. Just as I was walking out of the room, I hear Megan give an excited yell. "I think my water just broke. Yep, my water definitely just broke! Get a nurse!" I heard the sound of many waters flowing from my wife. It seriously sounded like someone pouring water from one pitcher to another pitcher and back again. Megan was laughing and talking about how weird it felt. After losing what seemed like gallons of water, Megan was officially in active labor. Shortly afterward, a doctor came in to give Megan her epidural. Megan has been nervous about the epidural but our wonderful nurse coached her through it and helped her get comfortable for the night. Once again, we cannot praise our wonderful nurses enough.  Megan was still 2 centimeters dilated and they were going to let her rest for a few hours and see if she would keep contracting before they tried Pitocin. 

5:00 a.m.

Megan slept soundly until the nurse came in to check her vitals and cervix. The nurse got a puzzled look and said "I don't feel the cervix anymore." Confused, Megan wanted to know what that meant and where her cervix had gone. "It means you're completely dilated, I feel the baby's head" explained the nurse. We quickly called our family and they all migrated to the hospital.

6:00 a.m.

All of the family was in the room visiting with us. Our sister-in-law especially was amazed how calm and chatty Megan was while being completely dilated and having consistent contractions. The nurses asked the family to leave and Megan to do some trial pushes. It looked like everything was progressing in the very best way. Joses was slowly moving down with each push and it seemed like it would be a quick and safe delivery.

During each contraction, Megan found a routine. She would let the contraction build, take a preparation breath, take and hold a second breath and push with all her might for ten seconds. She pushed two more times and rested until the next contraction started. My job was to stand nearby with cup of ice water. Megan wanted to take a sip between each contraction.

6:30 a.m.

The nurses were saying, "Just a few more pushes and he will be out."

7:50 a.m.

Megan was still feeling Joses kick. She looked at a nurse and said "He is kicking! He is alive! I am going to hold him alive." She gained new strength and Joses moved to where his head was clearly visible to the nurses.  

9:30 a.m.

Megan has been pushing for over three and a half hours. Joses was having a difficult time turning and getting into the final position. The contractions were very close together now and Megan had enough time for a few breaths and a sip of water before she had to push again. To add to the stress, Megan's IV had come out and the nurses had to work quickly to put a new one in. This was a challenge because there was very little time between pushes and the PUPPS had made her skin thick and difficult to pierce. After two or three tries, they were able to get her IV in. Even though she had an epidural, Megan was in some serious pain at this point.  Even through the pain, Megan never stopped being her sweet self. Megan had just let out some sounds of pain when the doctor reminded her that she had a button that increased her epidural. In the sweetest and happiest of voices, Megan said, "Oh yeah! Thank you!" It was during this period of time when our nurses amazed us the most.  The shifts at the hospital go twelve hours, 7-7.  We had been blessed with very sweet nurses. Two of the nurses that coached Megan were officially off the clock at 7. Even though they were exhausted, they stayed by her side and helped her through each push. Another nurse who stayed is a good friend of ours. She was in and out of the room grabbing supplies, informing our family what was going on, and providing support. She never sat down even after spending the last twelve hours on her feet. She was invaluable to us as well.

10:00 a.m.

"We do not see any signs of life. He is already gone." The doctor confirmed what our hearts already knew. Our son could not handle the stress of being stuck. The doctor explained that Joses was not able to turn properly in the birth canal to get around Megan's pelvis. Our son had died sometime in the past couple of hours. With the help of the nurses, the doctor did all he could to maneuver Joses out. 

10:18 a.m.

Joses was born into the world without ever taking his first breath. My son was handed to a nurse, the doctor cut the cord while I was consoling my wife. I followed the nurse over to the table where I dressed my son in his first outfit and wrapped him in a special blanket with his name on it that was given to us by some friends. I carried him to my wife so she could see the little man who has been so intimately with her for over ten months.

10:35 a.m.

While Megan was being attended to by the doctor, they called our family into an unoccupied delivery room where I was able to introduce them to my son. Everyone was able to hold him and love on him. We all cried as we held him and kissed his sweet cheeks. The hospital has photographers on staff and they were able to capture many of these precious moments for us.

10:40 a.m. - 4:00 p.m.

We got to spend a lot of quality time with our son. We shared much of our time with him with the rest of his family. There was so much joy in seeing  how loved this little one was. Joses was held the whole time by someone who loves him. However, there was a substantial amount of time where it was just Megan, Joses, and I.  We enjoyed looking at each of his sweet features and seeing who he took after. Megan was thrilled that he had thick,dark hair just like she did as a a baby. His tiny hands and feet were perfect. He had my ears and my mouth. It was so wonderful to finally see the little one we loved.  

Thankfully, our son was eligible to donate two heart valves to hopefully save the lives of other babies. Unfortunately, that meant that we would have to say goodbye to our son sooner. Megan and I gave him a bath and changed his clothes. We sang  "Jesus Loves Me" and "Happy Birthday" to Joses, kissed our son for the last time, and I laid him in his little bed for them to take him away. It was one of the hardest moments of our lives. 

Megan and I spent the remainder of the day crying some, praying more, and resting most.

Wednesday, June 18th

Megan was released from the hospital and we had to say goodbye to most of our family who was visiting. It was nice to be home and sleep in our own bed.

Friday, June 20th

My father and my mother-in-law picked up our son's body and casket from a funeral home in Clearwater, Florida and drove him to a funeral home in Sparta, Tennessee. Joses' body will rest there until Megan and I are able to travel up to Tennessee to bury our son. 

I want to take this space to say a special thank you to everyone who has been reading this blog and sending us wonderful encouragement. I started writing ten days after I found out about my son's condition. I never knew how important it would become in my grieving process nor how quickly it would grow. We knew this was going to be a journey for us but we never expected all of the unexpected turns it would take. While we feel great pain at the loss of our beautiful son we have been encouraged and blessed abundantly during this time. Thank you for your support for my family through this time.

Fear of the Unknown

42 Weeks

Anencephaly assigns people numbers. Sometimes the number is nine. They get nine months with their Anencephalic child in the womb, but their precious one is stillborn. One couple in Clearwater was given the number thirty-nine. They had thirty-nine beautiful minutes with their son Daniel before he passed away. Another couple we know was given the number eleven. They had eleven days with their son James.

Over the past five months, Megan and I have often wondered what our number would be. There are so many unknowns that are completely out of our control. We went to the doctor this morning for our 42 week appointment. Megan still is not dilated at all so we are continuing our waiting. If Joses does not come on his own before, we have another doctor's appointment on Thursday. We continue to wait and wonder. Since January, we have had far more questions than answers. We wonder when our son will be born, if Megan will have to be induced, if Megan will have to have a C-Section, if Joses will be born alive,  will he be blind and deaf, will he be able to cry, how much time we will have with him, will we be able to bring him home, and so many more. There are just so many things that we do not know and all of those things are beyond our control.

There is one command in the scriptures that is far more frequently given than any other command in the Bible. It also happens to be one of the most ignored commands as well as one of the hardest to obey. There are sixty-two times that God's people are specifically told either the phrase "do not be afraid" or "fear not". The command is given by Old Testament characters like Joseph, Moses, Joshua, Isaiah, and many other prophets. Jesus gives the command in all four gospels and every New Testament Bible author (except James) mentions it. It is almost always the first phrase spoken by angels when they appear. The Bible overwhelmingly wants to show us that God's people should not be afraid of anyone or anything.

The Bible says we should never be afraid of:

People

Isaiah 51:12-13 "I, even I, am He who comforts you. Who are you that you should be afraid Of a man who will die, And of the son of a man who will be made like grass? (13) And you forget the LORD your Maker, Who stretched out the heavens And laid the foundations of the earth; You have feared continually every day Because of the fury of the oppressor, When he has prepared to destroy. And where is the fury of the oppressor?

1Peter 3:12-14 For the eyes of the LORD are on the righteous, And His ears are open to their prayers; But the face of the LORD is against those who do evil."  (13) And who is he who will harm you if you become followers of what is good? (14) But even if you should suffer for righteousness' sake, you are blessed. "And do not be afraid of their threats, nor be troubled."

Psalm 118:6 The LORD is on my side; I will not fear. What can man do to me?

Isaiah 54:4-5 "Do not fear, for you will not be ashamed; Neither be disgraced, for you will not be put to shame; For you will forget the shame of your youth, And will not remember the reproach of your widowhood anymore. (5) For your Maker is your husband, The LORD of hosts is His name; And your Redeemer is the Holy One of Israel; He is called the God of the whole earth.

The Future

Joshua 1:9 "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go."

Psalm 34:4 I sought the LORD, and He heard me, And delivered me from all my fears.

Luke 12:29-32 "And do not seek what you should eat or what you should drink, nor have an anxious mind. (30) "For all these things the nations of the world seek after, and your Father knows that you need these things.  (31) "But seek the kingdom of God, and all these things shall be added to you. (32) "Do not fear, little flock, for it is your Father's good pleasure to give you the kingdom.

The Bible gives us clear alternatives to fear

Peace -- John 14:27 "Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.

Love -- 1 John 4:17 Love has been perfected among us in this: that we may have boldness in the day of judgment; because as He is, so are we in this world. (18) There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love.

Safety -- Proverbs 29:25 The fear of man brings a snare, But whoever trusts in the LORD shall be safe.

Security -- Hebrews 13:5-6 Let your conduct be without covetousness; be content with such things as you have. For He Himself has said, "I will never leave you nor forsake you." (6) So we may boldly say: "The LORD is my helper; I will not fear. What can man do to me?"

Belief -- Mark 5:36 But overhearing what they said, Jesus said to the ruler of the synagogue, "Do not fear, only believe."

The future is unknown to everyone except God. Only He knows what my son's future looks like. To be honest, I have been terrified of many of the possible outcomes. However, knowing that God holds the future is comforting to us. He only wants and gives what is best for us in our training to become more like Jesus.

Unfortunately for us, Satan is also at work. It is so easy to be worried and afraid. One of Satan's greatest tools is giving us the allusion of control and then making us afraid when we are shown how little control we have. Fear is debilitating and is clearly against God's will for us. 

 2Timothy 1:7-8 For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. (8) Therefore do not be ashamed of the testimony of our Lord, nor of me His prisoner, but share with me in the sufferings for the gospel according to the power of God.

I Believe, Help My Unbelief

Just like several people who came to Jesus, I am praying for a miracle. I feel particularly close to a father going to Jesus on behalf of his son.

Mark 9:20-27  They brought the boy to Him. When he saw Him, immediately the spirit threw him into a convulsion, and falling to the ground, he began rolling around and foaming at the mouth.  (21)  And He asked his father, "How long has this been happening to him?" And he said, "From childhood.  (22)  "It has often thrown him both into the fire and into the water to destroy him. But if You can do anything, take pity on us and help us!"  (23)  And Jesus said to him, " 'If You can?' All things are possible to him who believes."  (24)  Immediately the boy's father cried out and said, "I do believe; help my unbelief."  (25)  When Jesus saw that a crowd was rapidly gathering, He rebuked the unclean spirit, saying to it, "You deaf and mute spirit, I command you, come out of him and do not enter him again."  (26)  After crying out and throwing him into terrible convulsions, it came out; and the boy became so much like a corpse that most of them said, "He is dead!"  (27)  But Jesus took him by the hand and raised him; and he got up.

I cannot imagine being this father. Even though my situation is difficult, my son is safe and warm in his current home inside Megan and his suffering will be limited. This father had to witness his son given over to violent convulsions for years being thrown often into fire and water in attempts to kill his son. I know the helpless feeling this father felt. It is my job to protect and provide for my son and I am unable to help him.

The specific lesson I keep reading into this story is that there are varying degrees of faith. The "if-you-can" doubt in the man's plea  is understandable. The father has been in this helpless situation for a long time. The disciples of Jesus had tried and failed to drive out the demon. All seemed hopeless, but he had not given up completely. He still has enough faith to ask Jesus for help. The last recorded words we have from the father is "I do believe; help my unbelief." Jesus then not only kicked out the unclean spirit, He completely heals the son from what appeared to be death. It was a complete and total healing to where the boy was standing up.

The words of Jesus are striking me today as they must have that father many years ago. Jesus (you know, the Son of God who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think) said "All things are possible to him who believes."  All things.

My previous blog posts were about three men whose prayers were answered with "no." While David and Paul were not perfect people, Jesus was and God still denied His prayer of "let this cup pass." God knows what is best for me. Perhaps a denial of my requests is exactly what I need. While these things are true, there is a strong connection between the level of faith and if prayers are answered.

Notice these verses from miracle stories:

Matthew 15:28  Then Jesus said to her, "O woman, your faith is great; it shall be done for you as you wish." And her daughter was healed at once.

Mark 5:34  And He said to her, "Daughter, your faith has made you well; go in peace and be healed of your affliction."

Acts 14:9-10  This man was listening to Paul as he spoke, who, when he had fixed his gaze on him and had seen that he had faith to be made well,  (10)  said with a loud voice, "Stand upright on your feet." And he leaped up and began to walk.

Joses' Hands

My emotions are everywhere. I am terrified because I have no idea how God is going to answer my prayer. To be honest, I feel like the doubting man spoken of in James 1:6-7. That man "ought not to expect that he will receive anything from the Lord." The words "the one who doubts is like the surf of the sea, driven and tossed by the wind" feels exactly like this emotional roller coaster I have been on. This brutally honest blog post was inspired by a sermon delivered two weeks ago by my brother-in-law Dathan Rader titled "We Need Faith." It is obvious in scripture that faith comes in varying degrees. I feel just like that father who said, "I do believe, help my unbelief." The truth is, I need faith.

Unlike that father, I have no doubt that God has the ability to heal my son. I would never say "If you can" to the God who created the universe. Seriously, if God is able to speak the world into existence, perform all of the miracles that are in the scripture, raise Jesus from the dead, and form the brilliant plan of redemption, my son's condition would be no challenge for Him at all. However, do I have the level of faith I need?

After the account of Jesus casting the demon out of the man's son, we are given privy into a private conversation between Jesus and His disciples in Mark 9:28-29.

When He came into the house, His disciples began questioning Him privately, "Why could we not drive it out?"  (29)  And He said to them, "This kind cannot come out by anything but prayer."

Prayer? Really? Why didn't the disciples think of that? I doubt that the disciples were not appealing to God to heal the boy. I also doubt that there were magic words that the disciples were just not saying correctly. The key to healing was not some kind of mixture of words and special ingredients. Matthew's account of the same story gives us the answer.

Matthew 17:19-20  Then the disciples came to Jesus privately and said, "Why could we not drive it out?"  (20)  And He *said to them, "Because of the littleness of your faith; for truly I say to you, if you have faith the size of a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move; and nothing will be impossible to you.

Not only the father, but the disciples were also limited in their faith. Not only does Jesus tell them so, He gives the scope of their lack of faith.

Have you ever thought about how much faith Jesus had when He walked the earth? I guess you couldn't call it faith by the Hebrews 1:1 definition, because faith is the "evidence of things not seen" and Jesus had seen Heaven and the Father. But even still, if the disciples (and by extension, I) had just a sliver of the faith of Jesus, a slice the size of the tiniest of seeds, all things would be possible.

This is where using Hebrews 11:1 as a complete definition of faith falls short. The Bible is clear that there are varying levels of faith. For example, notice the contrast between a Roman centurion and the sisters Martha and Mary:

John 11:21  Martha then said to Jesus, "Lord, if You had been here, my brother would not have died.

John 11:32  Therefore, when Mary came where Jesus was, she saw Him, and fell at His feet, saying to Him, "Lord, if You had been here, my brother would not have died."

Matthew 8:5-13  And when Jesus entered Capernaum, a centurion came to Him, imploring Him,  (6)  and saying, "Lord, my servant is lying paralyzed at home, fearfully tormented."  (7)  Jesus *said to him, "I will come and heal him."  (8)  But the centurion said, "Lord, I am not worthy for You to come under my roof, but just say the word, and my servant will be healed.  (9)  "For I also am a man under authority, with soldiers under me; and I say to this one, 'Go!' and he goes, and to another, 'Come!' and he comes, and to my slave, 'Do this!' and he does it."  (10)  Now when Jesus heard this, He marveled and said to those who were following, "Truly I say to you, I have not found such great faith with anyone in Israel… (13) And Jesus said to the centurion, "Go; it shall be done for you as you have believed." And the servant was healed that very moment.

Both Martha and Mary say the exact same phrase. They both see Jesus' power as being limited by distance. In contrast, the Roman centurion (who was most assuredly a gentile) does not see such limits to the power of Jesus. To which, Jesus stated that the man had more faith than anyone in Israel.

There are varying levels of faith among Christians. Yes, we can pray for God's assistance, but it is our responsibility to give the effort to grow our own faith. The level of our faith matters, not just so that God would be more likely to answer our prayers, but our salvation is dependent upon our faith.

I have no idea how God will answer my prayers. I do know what my actions have been like over the past five months. I have spoken of my son's funeral as being certain and imminent. To be honest, although I know God can heal my son, I have had strong doubts that He will. All of the evidence that we have been given is pointing to my son's death. If there is anything I have learned from this time, I have learned that my faith is not where I want it to be. It is time for me to get busy doing things to increase my faith. My prayer is like the father who said, "I do believe, help my unbelief."

I appreciate everyone who has been praying for my family. Thank you who have been praying for my son to be healed. Thank you to the ones who have been praying that we get time with our son. Thank you to everyone who has been praying that the delivery be safe for Megan. Thank you to everyone who has been praying that we get a beautiful and joyful time with our son. Please continue in all of those for us. My specific request of you today is that you pray for us the same thing that the apostles asked of Jesus in Luke 17:5 when they said "Increase our faith."