Thoughts on Sunrise

I often wake up before daylight and go watch the sunrise over Tampa Bay. It took me five minutes in heavy traffic this morning to drive from my house to this pier in Safety Harbor, FL. While there are a few things that come to mind every time I witness the sun breaking over the horizon, each of these thoughts have taken on a new light (pun intended) because Joses is always on my mind.

Just a passing moment of beauty

My father and mother are here visiting with us from Tennessee for a few days. My dad and I are early risers. Dawn was already upon us when we decided to drive to Safety Harbor to see the sun rise. Since it was so light outside already, we were afraid we were going miss that magical moment when the sun peaks it's brim over the horizon. The sky was on fire with every variation of red, yellow, and orange as we were driving. But just as God is faithful to his promises, the sun is was right on schedule this morning. We got there about ten minutes before that special moment. I started taking pictures of the dawn from different vantage points. It amazes me how each second gives you a different picture.

We saw a gentleman there that comes every morning with his dog. While we were paying attention to my dog Philo and the other dog playing with each other, the man said, "It sure is a beautiful sunrise this morning." When I turned around, only the bottom tip of the sun was no longer visible. We had missed those few seconds when the sun first comes in sight. I am always amazed at how quickly the sun rises.

While all of life is short, I am learning right now just how brief it passes. Even if we are in the rare category and get a few weeks or a few months with Joses, that time will seem so short compared to our expected life without him after he passes away. All we have are just moments with him to make the most of because they will soon be gone.

My thoughts then go to my own mortality and realize how quickly my life has been passing. It seems like just a couple of years have passed since college when in reality, it was a decade ago. It seems like I have always looked forward to that next step in life, but just like that sunrise this morning, the moment that I am in is gone as soon as it came.

The sunrise, time with my son, and the moment in which I am living are all beautiful. However, each fade away just as soon as they arrive.   "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead,  (4)  to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you,  (5)  who by God's power are being guarded through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time." (1 Peter 1:3-5)

This is a daily gift from God that I often miss

When I stand and watch the sun rise over the water, I think about how many people are missing this amazing moment. They are either sleeping, or driving to work, or preoccupied with other aspects of life. Then I realize how often I do not slow down to enjoy and appreciate the blessings of God. Even though the sun rises every day, I do not always see it. There are days that God sends blessings that I do not witness in person.

I do not know who originally said it, but I heard a common quote in a sermon once that says "What if you woke up today with only the things you were thankful for yesterday?" Sadly, I would not wake up with many things on most days. There are so many blessings in my life that I do not see, think about, or realize how sad my life would be without them.

On days I am tempted to think, "Why me? Why my son?"; I should ask "Why am I so blessed?" Instead of being sad or angry for the time I will not get with Joses, I should be thankful for the time I have with him now. There are so many lessons I am learning right now about God through my son. I do not want to have to bury Joses. However, growing closer to God over the past few months has been worth all of the pain I have felt. Is there a greater blessing than growing closer to God?

If God's temporary creation is this beautiful, how much more heaven must be

My son will never see the sunrise. He will not get to experience a soft breeze, the beauty of a waterfall, the feel of soft grass between his toes, or any other beautiful seen every day in this world. Although this makes me sad, I am reminded that heaven will surely be far more beautiful. 1 Timothy 6.15-16 describes God as "the blessed and only Sovereign, the King of kings and Lord of lords, who alone has immortality, who dwells in unapproachable light, whom no one has ever seen or can see."

If so much detailed beauty could be put in something temporary, how much thought and detail has gone into designing God's permanent home? My son will see far more beautiful things than I will while he waits for Jesus to call us all home to heaven.

With the temporary nature of this world, my desire is to be like Jesus, the ultimate example of God's Servant in Isaiah 50.4-5 who says, "The Lord GOD has given Me the tongue of disciples, That I may know how to sustain the weary one with a word. He awakens Me morning by morning, He awakens My ear to listen as a disciple. The Lord GOD has opened My ear; And I was not disobedient Nor did I turn back."

A Mother's Perspective (by Megan)

While Seth normally is the one who shares all information, today I (Megan) am writing to update everyone on Joses’ current progress.  We are in the 34^th week of our pregnancy and today we went to the high risk pregnancy office. We have ultrasounds every 6 or 8 weeks to check the amount of amniotic fluid surrounding Joses.  One of the few risks with carrying him to term is that the amount of fluid in my uterus can be higher than that of a normal pregnancy which can cause high blood pressure. Luckily, my blood pressure looks good and the fluid levels are only slightly above normal. The doctor said that the amount of fluid currently built up is a little bit above the 90^th percentile but he has seen much worse in other anencephalic pregnancies. We were not able to get any pictures because of his position and because of his size at this phase in the pregnancy. His head is straight down and his feet are tucked under his knees.  I was a little disappointed that he was so hard to see. This will probably be the last time we see him before he is born.  Surprisingly, he is larger than I expected him to be. Even with the abscess in his head, he weighs approximately 5 pounds and 6 ounces. They can’t exactly predict his birth weight but if he progresses at a half a pound each week, he very well may be a little over 7 pounds when he is born. From the signs we saw, he is progressing well with a strong heart beat and we should have a little more time before he makes his appearance. According to my doctors, Joses could come in the next few weeks or could wait as long as 44 weeks, depending on my condition. The goal right now is to let Joses determine when he’s going to come.

Seth and I are looking forward to enjoying several more weeks of feeling him and making memories with him.

Although Seth and I are enjoying our time with Joses, everything still strikes us as bittersweet.  We look forward to kissing his sweet face and inspecting his perfect little hands and feet. On the other hand, we wonder how much time we will have with him alive. We pray fervently that he will be healed. However, we still remember that God may use Joses in a different way and that things will probably continue to go on as they have. We smile when we see little ones but then tears fill our eyes when we see little boys with their mommies and daddies. Our time with Joses is precious but knowing that this part of our journey with him is almost over is very difficult, particularly on me. I long to hold my son and be free of the discomfort of pregnancy, but I don’t want to lose of moments that I have with him growing and moving inside of me. I am growing to understand the meaning of “redeeming the time”.  There are so many things we want to do with him before we say goodbye. There are so many pictures we want in his memory book and there so many things I want to make for him but there is so little time.

When we first got this diagnosis, I wanted the time between January and May to pass as quickly as possible. I wanted the hurt and the uncertainty to go away. I was so scared.  In the weeks after we found out, I was in shock. I wasn’t sure how to connect with my little one. I struggled to enjoy his movements. I didn’t know what to pray for.  I didn’t know how I would feel about holding him in my arms after he passed. I felt shallow. I felt like a bad mother and I was scared that I wouldn’t love my son as I should. Now, as the pregnancy draws to a close many of those feelings have changed. I am scared to say goodbye again. I can’t imagine loving him anymore than I already do. I dread having to let go of this very intimate connection.  I wonder if I’ll ever be able to feel as strongly for a little one the way I love my son. When I see that a new baby is born (and there are so many right now) I rejoice for the parents. They will have challenges and they will have joy. However, it also reminds me that what is a beginning for most little ones is, in a sense, the end for mine. While I see parents beginning a new and deep connection with their little one, I know that  it will be the end of the connection I have with Joses on this Earth. I understand now what a precious gift God has given me. This time and these experiences are priceless.

Joses at 24 weeks

While I do mourn the time I will not have, I pray that the Lord never lets me forget how beautiful a gift He’s given me. I have been a shelter to another life. I have had someone to care for and nurture each day that truly relies on me.  I have felt his little body move inside of me.  I have a son. So many women are never blessed with any of those things even though they long to be mothers. On the other hand, so many women abort babies before they ever get to really enjoy that connection. I ache for those babies and I ache for those mothers.

I am truly blessed and have been given a priceless gift. God has placed inside of me a little life that truly encourages me. God has used this little one to strengthen me, my marriage, and most importantly, my faith in Him.  Is this pregnancy hard? YES. Is it worth it? Absolutely.

My prayer for all who hear Joses’ story is that they value life. If you are ever blessed with a little one as we have been, I pray that you never see that little life as anything other than the gift that he or she is. Every good and PERFECT gift comes from above (James 1:17) and my all-powerful Creator does not make mistakes.