Joses' Delivery Story

Joses Andrew McDonald was born sleeping at 10:18 a.m. on Tuesday, June 17th, 2014 at Mease Countryside Hospital in Clearwater, Florida. We have known for over five months that Joses might not be able to survive the birthing process. It was on January 6th that we found out that our sweet son had a neural tube defect known as Anencephaly.

Though there are many things about our "Journey with Joses" that we will never forget, memories do tend to fade over time. It is Megan's and my goal to chronicle our memories from the last ten months. We want to preserve how we spent our only time with our son this side of eternity. Although I am not sure how many entries in this digital diary we may make, I would like to begin with one of the later chapters. This is our story of the last few days we had with our son and the subsequent days without him.

(We are in no way ashamed of our son. He was amazingly beautiful and we are happy to share select pictures of him with you. We will not be publicly sharing pictures of his face because we do not want those pictures taken and abused by people we do not know. If you see us in person, we would be happy to share those pictures of our beautiful son with you.)

Monday, June 9th

Megan was 42 weeks pregnant with Joses and was not dilated at all yet. Our doctor was not wanting to add any additional risk of Megan having a C-section so we were told to continue to wait. We were seeing him twice per week at this point, hoping each time that the process had progressed enough where we could safely induce labor.

Wednesday, June 11th

Megan started noticing small bumps developing on the palms of her hands. They did not itch too badly at this point. She just wondered what they were and if she was allergic to something new.

Thursday, June 12th

The bumps on Megan's hands had spread to the rest of her arms and started showing up on her legs and were beginning to itch. We went back to the doctor's office for our scheduled appointment. The doctor said the bumps were typical in pregnancy and said the only way to get rid of them ultimately was to deliver the baby so he wanted to focus more on checking her cervix. Unfortunately, we did not get the news for which we were hoping. Megan still had not dilated any and we were told to come back on Monday.

Saturday, June 14th -- News Day

Megan's rash had spread even more and was making her skin turn rubbery. The pain and discomfort was unbearable. When we called the doctor, he said to come in for her third visit that week. Although he could do very little to help with the rash (also known as PUPPPS), Megan had dilated to 1 1/2 centimeters. We decided that we would induce labor on Monday morning at 10:30a.m.

We excitedly called our fathers who jumped in my father's van that afternoon and started their drive to Florida. We also sent text messages to our siblings to let them know of our news. Tears of joy started rolling down our faces when my sister Mara and her husband Evan called us to say that they rearranged their schedule and were driving from their home in Memphis to stay the night at my sister Leah's home in Shelbyville, TN so the three of them could come to Florida to meet my son.

Sunday, June 15 -- Father's Day

My son was still alive and safely living in Megan's tummy. I actually got to spend Father's Day as a father to my son. I could still love on him, talk to him, and take care of him. It was a wonderful gift.

I received a few other small gifts, but not many as exciting as learning that my brother Kyle was joining Mara, Evan, and Leah in the car ride to Florida. Unfortunately, Kyle's wife Kayla woke up sick and was unable to come with them.

The good news kept coming Megan's youngest brother Stephen was going to drive on Sunday afternoon from Cincinnati, Ohio to Athens, Alabama to climb in their brother Alex's car to drive overnight to Florida so they could meet their nephew.

 We had not expected any of our siblings to be able to come down to join us. Now everyone was coming except Kyle's wife Kayla and Leah's husband Dathan. We were so excited to be able to share our son with people who love him.

Monday, June 16th -- Inducing Day

With little to no sleep, Alex and Stephen arrived at our house in Clearwater, Florida at about 9:30 a.m. Between our parents and our siblings, there were twelve people who gathered in our living room to take a moment as a family and sing a few hymns before Megan and I left to go to the hospital. It was a time filled with tears, prayer, and thanksgiving. I adore my family and their love for us and their love for God. The last hymn we sang was M. W. Bassford's song "Rock of My Heart." Here are the lyrics:

My Lord, I need nothing beside You;

Without You, I could not have stood.

Your promise is my hope and my refuge;

Your nearness, my strength and my good.

When I was distressed and embittered,

By things I could not understand,

Your presence was continually with me;

You always took hold of my hand.

I know that Your counsel will guide me

In wisdom, devotion, and love,

And afterward, You'll call me to glory

To dwell in Your presence above.

My heart may be broken within me;

My earthly strength may depart.

But You are my portion forever,

You are the Rock of my Heart.

You are the Rock of my Heart.

The song really does explain how we all felt that morning. We had no idea what God would choose to do. Would Joses live for weeks, days, hours, minutes, or would he be born alive at all? There were so many questions floating around in our heads. All we knew is that God would carry us through it.

After a group picture, Megan and I climbed into our car and drove to the hospital. They gave us a large corner room that we stayed in the entire time we were there. We had two sweet nurses who answered all of our questions, made us comfortable, and carefully went over our birth plan. They did a wonderful job of making us feel at ease.


 Three hours after we arrived, Megan was given some medicine to help soften her cervix and the waiting began. She began to have contractions close together  but luckily they smoothed out and we continued on with that particular medication. After we got settled in, the family came over to visit with us for a while.

After a two hour nap in the afternoon, our family came to visit with us again and bring me some dinner from Chipotle. Everyone was there except Mara, Evan, and Kyle. They had told my mother that they were going to go pick up a surprise. We were so happy when our sister-in-law Kayla walked in the room. She had felt better on Monday and was able leave her children (my niece and nephew) with her parents and fly down to Florida to be with us.

The nurses checked Megan again and her cervix had softened some, but stayed at 1 1/2 centimeters. The plan was to start using Pitocin to induce contractions around 1:30 a.m.. They said it was to be expected and that the baby would probably come no sooner than Tuesday afternoon. Megan rarely complains, but the itching from her PUPPPs was driving her crazy. She said the itching was way worse than the early-labor contractions. The nurses gave her some pain medication to help her sleep. This is when our family left for the night. Megan was able to go into a light sleep, but the pain of the contractions continued to intensify. 

Tuesday, June 17th -- Joses' Birthday

1:00 a.m.

Pretty close to the time they were thinking about giving Megan the medicine to induce, Megan asked me to go get her some more ice water. Just as I was walking out of the room, I hear Megan give an excited yell. "I think my water just broke. Yep, my water definitely just broke! Get a nurse!" I heard the sound of many waters flowing from my wife. It seriously sounded like someone pouring water from one pitcher to another pitcher and back again. Megan was laughing and talking about how weird it felt. After losing what seemed like gallons of water, Megan was officially in active labor. Shortly afterward, a doctor came in to give Megan her epidural. Megan has been nervous about the epidural but our wonderful nurse coached her through it and helped her get comfortable for the night. Once again, we cannot praise our wonderful nurses enough.  Megan was still 2 centimeters dilated and they were going to let her rest for a few hours and see if she would keep contracting before they tried Pitocin. 

5:00 a.m.

Megan slept soundly until the nurse came in to check her vitals and cervix. The nurse got a puzzled look and said "I don't feel the cervix anymore." Confused, Megan wanted to know what that meant and where her cervix had gone. "It means you're completely dilated, I feel the baby's head" explained the nurse. We quickly called our family and they all migrated to the hospital.

6:00 a.m.

All of the family was in the room visiting with us. Our sister-in-law especially was amazed how calm and chatty Megan was while being completely dilated and having consistent contractions. The nurses asked the family to leave and Megan to do some trial pushes. It looked like everything was progressing in the very best way. Joses was slowly moving down with each push and it seemed like it would be a quick and safe delivery.

During each contraction, Megan found a routine. She would let the contraction build, take a preparation breath, take and hold a second breath and push with all her might for ten seconds. She pushed two more times and rested until the next contraction started. My job was to stand nearby with cup of ice water. Megan wanted to take a sip between each contraction.

6:30 a.m.

The nurses were saying, "Just a few more pushes and he will be out."

7:50 a.m.

Megan was still feeling Joses kick. She looked at a nurse and said "He is kicking! He is alive! I am going to hold him alive." She gained new strength and Joses moved to where his head was clearly visible to the nurses.  

9:30 a.m.

Megan has been pushing for over three and a half hours. Joses was having a difficult time turning and getting into the final position. The contractions were very close together now and Megan had enough time for a few breaths and a sip of water before she had to push again. To add to the stress, Megan's IV had come out and the nurses had to work quickly to put a new one in. This was a challenge because there was very little time between pushes and the PUPPS had made her skin thick and difficult to pierce. After two or three tries, they were able to get her IV in. Even though she had an epidural, Megan was in some serious pain at this point.  Even through the pain, Megan never stopped being her sweet self. Megan had just let out some sounds of pain when the doctor reminded her that she had a button that increased her epidural. In the sweetest and happiest of voices, Megan said, "Oh yeah! Thank you!" It was during this period of time when our nurses amazed us the most.  The shifts at the hospital go twelve hours, 7-7.  We had been blessed with very sweet nurses. Two of the nurses that coached Megan were officially off the clock at 7. Even though they were exhausted, they stayed by her side and helped her through each push. Another nurse who stayed is a good friend of ours. She was in and out of the room grabbing supplies, informing our family what was going on, and providing support. She never sat down even after spending the last twelve hours on her feet. She was invaluable to us as well.

10:00 a.m.

"We do not see any signs of life. He is already gone." The doctor confirmed what our hearts already knew. Our son could not handle the stress of being stuck. The doctor explained that Joses was not able to turn properly in the birth canal to get around Megan's pelvis. Our son had died sometime in the past couple of hours. With the help of the nurses, the doctor did all he could to maneuver Joses out. 

10:18 a.m.

Joses was born into the world without ever taking his first breath. My son was handed to a nurse, the doctor cut the cord while I was consoling my wife. I followed the nurse over to the table where I dressed my son in his first outfit and wrapped him in a special blanket with his name on it that was given to us by some friends. I carried him to my wife so she could see the little man who has been so intimately with her for over ten months.

10:35 a.m.

While Megan was being attended to by the doctor, they called our family into an unoccupied delivery room where I was able to introduce them to my son. Everyone was able to hold him and love on him. We all cried as we held him and kissed his sweet cheeks. The hospital has photographers on staff and they were able to capture many of these precious moments for us.

10:40 a.m. - 4:00 p.m.

We got to spend a lot of quality time with our son. We shared much of our time with him with the rest of his family. There was so much joy in seeing  how loved this little one was. Joses was held the whole time by someone who loves him. However, there was a substantial amount of time where it was just Megan, Joses, and I.  We enjoyed looking at each of his sweet features and seeing who he took after. Megan was thrilled that he had thick,dark hair just like she did as a a baby. His tiny hands and feet were perfect. He had my ears and my mouth. It was so wonderful to finally see the little one we loved.  

Thankfully, our son was eligible to donate two heart valves to hopefully save the lives of other babies. Unfortunately, that meant that we would have to say goodbye to our son sooner. Megan and I gave him a bath and changed his clothes. We sang  "Jesus Loves Me" and "Happy Birthday" to Joses, kissed our son for the last time, and I laid him in his little bed for them to take him away. It was one of the hardest moments of our lives. 

Megan and I spent the remainder of the day crying some, praying more, and resting most.

Wednesday, June 18th

Megan was released from the hospital and we had to say goodbye to most of our family who was visiting. It was nice to be home and sleep in our own bed.

Friday, June 20th

My father and my mother-in-law picked up our son's body and casket from a funeral home in Clearwater, Florida and drove him to a funeral home in Sparta, Tennessee. Joses' body will rest there until Megan and I are able to travel up to Tennessee to bury our son. 

I want to take this space to say a special thank you to everyone who has been reading this blog and sending us wonderful encouragement. I started writing ten days after I found out about my son's condition. I never knew how important it would become in my grieving process nor how quickly it would grow. We knew this was going to be a journey for us but we never expected all of the unexpected turns it would take. While we feel great pain at the loss of our beautiful son we have been encouraged and blessed abundantly during this time. Thank you for your support for my family through this time.

Fear of the Unknown

42 Weeks

Anencephaly assigns people numbers. Sometimes the number is nine. They get nine months with their Anencephalic child in the womb, but their precious one is stillborn. One couple in Clearwater was given the number thirty-nine. They had thirty-nine beautiful minutes with their son Daniel before he passed away. Another couple we know was given the number eleven. They had eleven days with their son James.

Over the past five months, Megan and I have often wondered what our number would be. There are so many unknowns that are completely out of our control. We went to the doctor this morning for our 42 week appointment. Megan still is not dilated at all so we are continuing our waiting. If Joses does not come on his own before, we have another doctor's appointment on Thursday. We continue to wait and wonder. Since January, we have had far more questions than answers. We wonder when our son will be born, if Megan will have to be induced, if Megan will have to have a C-Section, if Joses will be born alive,  will he be blind and deaf, will he be able to cry, how much time we will have with him, will we be able to bring him home, and so many more. There are just so many things that we do not know and all of those things are beyond our control.

There is one command in the scriptures that is far more frequently given than any other command in the Bible. It also happens to be one of the most ignored commands as well as one of the hardest to obey. There are sixty-two times that God's people are specifically told either the phrase "do not be afraid" or "fear not". The command is given by Old Testament characters like Joseph, Moses, Joshua, Isaiah, and many other prophets. Jesus gives the command in all four gospels and every New Testament Bible author (except James) mentions it. It is almost always the first phrase spoken by angels when they appear. The Bible overwhelmingly wants to show us that God's people should not be afraid of anyone or anything.

The Bible says we should never be afraid of:

People

Isaiah 51:12-13 "I, even I, am He who comforts you. Who are you that you should be afraid Of a man who will die, And of the son of a man who will be made like grass? (13) And you forget the LORD your Maker, Who stretched out the heavens And laid the foundations of the earth; You have feared continually every day Because of the fury of the oppressor, When he has prepared to destroy. And where is the fury of the oppressor?

1Peter 3:12-14 For the eyes of the LORD are on the righteous, And His ears are open to their prayers; But the face of the LORD is against those who do evil."  (13) And who is he who will harm you if you become followers of what is good? (14) But even if you should suffer for righteousness' sake, you are blessed. "And do not be afraid of their threats, nor be troubled."

Psalm 118:6 The LORD is on my side; I will not fear. What can man do to me?

Isaiah 54:4-5 "Do not fear, for you will not be ashamed; Neither be disgraced, for you will not be put to shame; For you will forget the shame of your youth, And will not remember the reproach of your widowhood anymore. (5) For your Maker is your husband, The LORD of hosts is His name; And your Redeemer is the Holy One of Israel; He is called the God of the whole earth.

The Future

Joshua 1:9 "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go."

Psalm 34:4 I sought the LORD, and He heard me, And delivered me from all my fears.

Luke 12:29-32 "And do not seek what you should eat or what you should drink, nor have an anxious mind. (30) "For all these things the nations of the world seek after, and your Father knows that you need these things.  (31) "But seek the kingdom of God, and all these things shall be added to you. (32) "Do not fear, little flock, for it is your Father's good pleasure to give you the kingdom.

The Bible gives us clear alternatives to fear

Peace -- John 14:27 "Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.

Love -- 1 John 4:17 Love has been perfected among us in this: that we may have boldness in the day of judgment; because as He is, so are we in this world. (18) There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love.

Safety -- Proverbs 29:25 The fear of man brings a snare, But whoever trusts in the LORD shall be safe.

Security -- Hebrews 13:5-6 Let your conduct be without covetousness; be content with such things as you have. For He Himself has said, "I will never leave you nor forsake you." (6) So we may boldly say: "The LORD is my helper; I will not fear. What can man do to me?"

Belief -- Mark 5:36 But overhearing what they said, Jesus said to the ruler of the synagogue, "Do not fear, only believe."

The future is unknown to everyone except God. Only He knows what my son's future looks like. To be honest, I have been terrified of many of the possible outcomes. However, knowing that God holds the future is comforting to us. He only wants and gives what is best for us in our training to become more like Jesus.

Unfortunately for us, Satan is also at work. It is so easy to be worried and afraid. One of Satan's greatest tools is giving us the allusion of control and then making us afraid when we are shown how little control we have. Fear is debilitating and is clearly against God's will for us. 

 2Timothy 1:7-8 For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. (8) Therefore do not be ashamed of the testimony of our Lord, nor of me His prisoner, but share with me in the sufferings for the gospel according to the power of God.

I Believe, Help My Unbelief

Just like several people who came to Jesus, I am praying for a miracle. I feel particularly close to a father going to Jesus on behalf of his son.

Mark 9:20-27  They brought the boy to Him. When he saw Him, immediately the spirit threw him into a convulsion, and falling to the ground, he began rolling around and foaming at the mouth.  (21)  And He asked his father, "How long has this been happening to him?" And he said, "From childhood.  (22)  "It has often thrown him both into the fire and into the water to destroy him. But if You can do anything, take pity on us and help us!"  (23)  And Jesus said to him, " 'If You can?' All things are possible to him who believes."  (24)  Immediately the boy's father cried out and said, "I do believe; help my unbelief."  (25)  When Jesus saw that a crowd was rapidly gathering, He rebuked the unclean spirit, saying to it, "You deaf and mute spirit, I command you, come out of him and do not enter him again."  (26)  After crying out and throwing him into terrible convulsions, it came out; and the boy became so much like a corpse that most of them said, "He is dead!"  (27)  But Jesus took him by the hand and raised him; and he got up.

I cannot imagine being this father. Even though my situation is difficult, my son is safe and warm in his current home inside Megan and his suffering will be limited. This father had to witness his son given over to violent convulsions for years being thrown often into fire and water in attempts to kill his son. I know the helpless feeling this father felt. It is my job to protect and provide for my son and I am unable to help him.

The specific lesson I keep reading into this story is that there are varying degrees of faith. The "if-you-can" doubt in the man's plea  is understandable. The father has been in this helpless situation for a long time. The disciples of Jesus had tried and failed to drive out the demon. All seemed hopeless, but he had not given up completely. He still has enough faith to ask Jesus for help. The last recorded words we have from the father is "I do believe; help my unbelief." Jesus then not only kicked out the unclean spirit, He completely heals the son from what appeared to be death. It was a complete and total healing to where the boy was standing up.

The words of Jesus are striking me today as they must have that father many years ago. Jesus (you know, the Son of God who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think) said "All things are possible to him who believes."  All things.

My previous blog posts were about three men whose prayers were answered with "no." While David and Paul were not perfect people, Jesus was and God still denied His prayer of "let this cup pass." God knows what is best for me. Perhaps a denial of my requests is exactly what I need. While these things are true, there is a strong connection between the level of faith and if prayers are answered.

Notice these verses from miracle stories:

Matthew 15:28  Then Jesus said to her, "O woman, your faith is great; it shall be done for you as you wish." And her daughter was healed at once.

Mark 5:34  And He said to her, "Daughter, your faith has made you well; go in peace and be healed of your affliction."

Acts 14:9-10  This man was listening to Paul as he spoke, who, when he had fixed his gaze on him and had seen that he had faith to be made well,  (10)  said with a loud voice, "Stand upright on your feet." And he leaped up and began to walk.

Joses' Hands

My emotions are everywhere. I am terrified because I have no idea how God is going to answer my prayer. To be honest, I feel like the doubting man spoken of in James 1:6-7. That man "ought not to expect that he will receive anything from the Lord." The words "the one who doubts is like the surf of the sea, driven and tossed by the wind" feels exactly like this emotional roller coaster I have been on. This brutally honest blog post was inspired by a sermon delivered two weeks ago by my brother-in-law Dathan Rader titled "We Need Faith." It is obvious in scripture that faith comes in varying degrees. I feel just like that father who said, "I do believe, help my unbelief." The truth is, I need faith.

Unlike that father, I have no doubt that God has the ability to heal my son. I would never say "If you can" to the God who created the universe. Seriously, if God is able to speak the world into existence, perform all of the miracles that are in the scripture, raise Jesus from the dead, and form the brilliant plan of redemption, my son's condition would be no challenge for Him at all. However, do I have the level of faith I need?

After the account of Jesus casting the demon out of the man's son, we are given privy into a private conversation between Jesus and His disciples in Mark 9:28-29.

When He came into the house, His disciples began questioning Him privately, "Why could we not drive it out?"  (29)  And He said to them, "This kind cannot come out by anything but prayer."

Prayer? Really? Why didn't the disciples think of that? I doubt that the disciples were not appealing to God to heal the boy. I also doubt that there were magic words that the disciples were just not saying correctly. The key to healing was not some kind of mixture of words and special ingredients. Matthew's account of the same story gives us the answer.

Matthew 17:19-20  Then the disciples came to Jesus privately and said, "Why could we not drive it out?"  (20)  And He *said to them, "Because of the littleness of your faith; for truly I say to you, if you have faith the size of a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move; and nothing will be impossible to you.

Not only the father, but the disciples were also limited in their faith. Not only does Jesus tell them so, He gives the scope of their lack of faith.

Have you ever thought about how much faith Jesus had when He walked the earth? I guess you couldn't call it faith by the Hebrews 1:1 definition, because faith is the "evidence of things not seen" and Jesus had seen Heaven and the Father. But even still, if the disciples (and by extension, I) had just a sliver of the faith of Jesus, a slice the size of the tiniest of seeds, all things would be possible.

This is where using Hebrews 11:1 as a complete definition of faith falls short. The Bible is clear that there are varying levels of faith. For example, notice the contrast between a Roman centurion and the sisters Martha and Mary:

John 11:21  Martha then said to Jesus, "Lord, if You had been here, my brother would not have died.

John 11:32  Therefore, when Mary came where Jesus was, she saw Him, and fell at His feet, saying to Him, "Lord, if You had been here, my brother would not have died."

Matthew 8:5-13  And when Jesus entered Capernaum, a centurion came to Him, imploring Him,  (6)  and saying, "Lord, my servant is lying paralyzed at home, fearfully tormented."  (7)  Jesus *said to him, "I will come and heal him."  (8)  But the centurion said, "Lord, I am not worthy for You to come under my roof, but just say the word, and my servant will be healed.  (9)  "For I also am a man under authority, with soldiers under me; and I say to this one, 'Go!' and he goes, and to another, 'Come!' and he comes, and to my slave, 'Do this!' and he does it."  (10)  Now when Jesus heard this, He marveled and said to those who were following, "Truly I say to you, I have not found such great faith with anyone in Israel… (13) And Jesus said to the centurion, "Go; it shall be done for you as you have believed." And the servant was healed that very moment.

Both Martha and Mary say the exact same phrase. They both see Jesus' power as being limited by distance. In contrast, the Roman centurion (who was most assuredly a gentile) does not see such limits to the power of Jesus. To which, Jesus stated that the man had more faith than anyone in Israel.

There are varying levels of faith among Christians. Yes, we can pray for God's assistance, but it is our responsibility to give the effort to grow our own faith. The level of our faith matters, not just so that God would be more likely to answer our prayers, but our salvation is dependent upon our faith.

I have no idea how God will answer my prayers. I do know what my actions have been like over the past five months. I have spoken of my son's funeral as being certain and imminent. To be honest, although I know God can heal my son, I have had strong doubts that He will. All of the evidence that we have been given is pointing to my son's death. If there is anything I have learned from this time, I have learned that my faith is not where I want it to be. It is time for me to get busy doing things to increase my faith. My prayer is like the father who said, "I do believe, help my unbelief."

I appreciate everyone who has been praying for my family. Thank you who have been praying for my son to be healed. Thank you to the ones who have been praying that we get time with our son. Thank you to everyone who has been praying that the delivery be safe for Megan. Thank you to everyone who has been praying that we get a beautiful and joyful time with our son. Please continue in all of those for us. My specific request of you today is that you pray for us the same thing that the apostles asked of Jesus in Luke 17:5 when they said "Increase our faith."

More than I can Handle

"God will never give you more than you can handle." I hear this quoted over and over. The truth is, it just isn't Biblical. The closest thing to it in the Bible is 1 Corinthians 10:13. 

No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, so that you will be able to endure it.

This verse is talking about temptation, not persecution or suffering. The fact is, there are things that happen in life to good people that they cannot handle at all. Sometimes Christians get cancer and it takes their lives. Sometimes car accidents happen and it causes great suffering. If someone came to my front door and aimed a gun at me and pulled a trigger, that is something that my body could not handle. In the second letter we have of Paul's to the Corinthians, he describes his own situation.

For we do not want you to be unaware, brethren, of our affliction which came to us in Asia, that we were burdened excessively, beyond our strength, so that we despaired even of life; indeed, we had the sentence of death within ourselves so that we would not trust in ourselves, but in God who raises the dead;  who delivered us from so great a peril of death, and will deliver us, He on whom we have set our hope. And He will yet deliver us, (2 Corinthians 1:8-10)

Paul was "burdened excessively, beyond our strength, so that we despaired even of life." Would you tell Paul, "God never gives you more than you can handle, so you must not be handling it well"? People are often given more than they can bear. Sadly, many times people turn to alcohol, drugs, or other sin to escape their problems if only for a while.

Difficult challenges happen frequently. I am going through what is, in some ways, the most difficult challenge of my life. My wife is over nine months pregnant with our son. We are four days past our due date. Back on January 6th, we found out that our Joses has Anencephaly. We have known for five months that our son is going to die shortly after being born. What would you do if you got news like this? In the Anencephaly support groups we are in, we have heard of people who have been driven to alcoholism, adultery, and bankruptcy because they could not bear the load. Where do you turn?

Back in December (one month before we knew of Joses' condition), I was blessed with the opportunity to teach a Bible class for three different churches (two in Florida and one in Tennessee). I had no idea how much I would benefit from those classes. Each of those times, I started with the question: "when you are feeling low, depressed, lost, and alone, where do you turn in scripture to find comfort?" Many people gave many good answers such as Psalm 23 and the book of Philippians. However, the one I enjoyed then and the one that has been the most dear to me since is Psalm 27. I ask that you attempt to read this Psalm through my eyes. This is where I turn when life is more than I can handle.

Psalms 27:1-14

(1)  A Psalm of David. The LORD is my light and my salvation; Whom shall I fear? The LORD is the defense of my life; Whom shall I dread?

(2)  When evildoers came upon me to devour my flesh, My adversaries and my enemies, they stumbled and fell.

(3)  Though a host encamp against me, My heart will not fear; Though war arise against me, In spite of this I shall be confident.

(4)  One thing I have asked from the LORD, that I shall seek: That I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, To behold the beauty of the LORD And to meditate in His temple.

(5)  For in the day of trouble He will conceal me in His tabernacle; In the secret place of His tent He will hide me; He will lift me up on a rock.

(6)  And now my head will be lifted up above my enemies around me, And I will offer in His tent sacrifices with shouts of joy; I will sing, yes, I will sing praises to the LORD.

(7)  Hear, O LORD, when I cry with my voice, And be gracious to me and answer me.

(8)  When You said, "Seek My face," my heart said to You, "Your face, O LORD, I shall seek."

(9)  Do not hide Your face from me, Do not turn Your servant away in anger; You have been my help; Do not abandon me nor forsake me, O God of my salvation!

(10)  For my father and my mother have forsaken me, But the LORD will take me up.

(11)  Teach me Your way, O LORD, And lead me in a level path Because of my foes.

(12)  Do not deliver me over to the desire of my adversaries, For false witnesses have risen against me, And such as breathe out violence.

(13)  I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the LORD In the land of the living.

(14)  Wait for the LORD; Be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the LORD.

Verses 1-3 expresses absolute certainty that banishes fear, regardless how big the threat might be. If God is on our side, who can be against us? He is described here as my light, salvation, and defense (stronghold). There are no difficult circumstances that can shake God.

(2-3) The second verse is past tense while the third verse is future tense. Past deliverances give absolute confidence for the future. The third verse is exaggerated for effect. Imagine the terror of one criminal aiming a gun at you. David says he would not be afraid if an opposing army was aiming for him.

(4) These verses present a single-minded determination to always be in the presence of God. Beholding the beauty of the LORD should be our highest of ambitions in life. When I think about this, petty trials do not seem to matter nearly as much. Twelve thousand years from now, my life will not seem like it was that much longer than my son's life. Yes, I do get comfort knowing I will spend far more time with my son in the afterlife than I will spend with anyone in this life. However, the greatest blessing of heaven is the opportunity to see God in all His glory. Comparatively, NOTHING else matters.

(5-6) God is the one who will lift me out of this situation. The only reason I have my chin up is because God is the lifter of my head (v6). David's reaction to difficult circumstances was to sing praises to God. The night we found out that Joses had Anencephaly, Megan pulled out a song book and we sang together. Hymns have been one of the greatest sources of comfort for us.

(7-12) This prayer of David is for divine aid. God calls each of us to seek His face. It is up to us to say "Your face, O LORD, I shall seek."

(13) This has been the most impactful verse in the Psalm to me lately. Promises of Heaven are wonderful and should be enough motivation for us to move forward, but here David looks to the more immediate future. The "land of the living" would be in contrast to the "realm of the dead." When David says this, he is talking about this life. The reason he did not despair in the middle of trials is because he knew he would see good days again. One thing that has carried Megan and I through this trial is to know that we have laughed together multiple times every day of our marriage and we never plan to stop. Even in the darkest of times, we find something to make us smile. It gives us a glimpse of our future. God will show us his goodness in the future, even in this life.

(14) David's advice for me in this trial is to "Wait for the LORD; Be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the LORD." Yes, there are many circumstances that we cannot handle, but God can handle them all. Stay faithful to God and He will carry us through.

The Hope of David

 One of the most beautiful aspects of the Bible is how easy it is to relate to different characters. As has been mentioned a few times in this blog, my Bible hero (other than Jesus) is Barnabas. He was such an encouraging person, the apostles no longer called him Joses (his real name), but Barnabas (meaning "son of encouragement"). I love his example so much, I have planned for years to name my first son Joses (because naming a kid "Barney" would just be cruel). Though I know I have been able to be like Barnabas by encouraging many people through this blog, lately I have found David to be more relatable.

 

While I never expected to join David in the "dad's with deceased children" club, no one could imagine I would join him in the exclusive club of fathers who are told "the child that is born to you shall surely die" (2 Samuel 12.14b). (If you are not familiar with David's story, I suggest reading 2 Samuel 11 & 12. It says it far better than any attempt for me to summarize it.)

It was after 10:00pm on January 6th, 2014 when Megan and I were sitting in a triage room at the hospital, waiting for our doctor to come tell us the results from our second ultrasound that evening. We had the college football national championship game on in the background as our imaginations were running wild with different possibilities of what the doctor might tell us. We had never heard the word "Anencephaly" before. Our doctor tried to explain to us what it meant. For clarity purposes, Megan asked "so our son never developed a brain and he will probably die?" To which the doctor replied, "Yes to everything except the 'probably' part. Anencephaly is not compatible with life outside the womb."

Both David and I were told with certainty that our children will die. While I was told by a reputable doctor, David was told by a prophet of God. Doctors can make mistakes, God does not. Survival and complete healing of an Anencephaly baby is unprecedented, David's situation was truly impossible. However, David responded by doing something inspiring: he prayed. Immediately after informing the reader that the child was struck with sickness, the text says "David therefore inquired of God for the child" (2 Samuel 12.16). Not only did David pray, he fasted and spent the night laying on the ground. Later in verse 22, David tells us his thought process: "While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept; for I said, 'Who knows, the LORD may be gracious to me, that the child may live.'" In a hopeless situation, David found hope in a merciful and compassionate God. God had the ability to change His mind. David knew God answers the prayers of His children. The text leads us to believe that David fervently prayed for seven days that God might spare his son.

This is where I am right now. David knew of his son's imminent death for seven days, I have known about my son's condition for slightly less than five months. We are three days past his due date and he will likely be born within the next week. Our doctor is suggesting we induce labor by no later than next weekend if he does not come on his own before then. I am toward the end of a period of waiting to see how God will answer my prayers.

Just like Paul and Jesus (as mentioned in my previous post), God answered David's prayer with a "no". God did not relent his punishment and the child died. It is very possible that God will give me the same answer. To me, the most inspiring section of 2 Samuel 12 is when it describes David's response to the death of his son.

Then it happened on the seventh day that the child died. And the servants of David were afraid to tell him that the child was dead, for they said, "Behold, while the child was still alive, we spoke to him and he did not listen to our voice. How then can we tell him that the child is dead, since he might do himself harm!"  (19)  But when David saw that his servants were whispering together, David perceived that the child was dead; so David said to his servants, "Is the child dead?" And they said, "He is dead."  (20)  So David arose from the ground, washed, anointed himself, and changed his clothes; and he came into the house of the LORD and worshiped. Then he came to his own house, and when he requested, they set food before him and he ate. (2 Samuel 12:18-20)

The order in which David acted was obviously planned ahead of time. After not eating for a while, it doesn't seem like a spur of the moment to make a decision to continue forgoing food. There was, at some point, a time when David made a decision how he was going to react to the news that his son has died. He had decided how he would react. I can picture David, laying on the flood with a tear stained face, planning out each possible scenario. If God spared his son, David would immediately worship God. If the child dies, David would immediately worship God. David's response puzzled his servants.

"Then his servants said to him, "What is this thing that you have done? While the child was alive, you fasted and wept; but when the child died, you arose and ate food." He said, "While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept; for I said, 'Who knows, the LORD may be gracious to me, that the child may live.' But now he has died; why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him, but he will not return to me." (2 Samuel 12:21-23).

As a grieving father, I cannot for a single second believe that David stopping loving or missing his son. I am sure David thought of that child often for the rest of his life. I am sure it was especially difficult for David because he carried the guilt of knowing that he was responsible for the child's death. His sin caused the child to die. Thankfully, I do not carry that weight on my conscience.

Something that comforts me is to see David's faith in Heaven. David knew he would see his son once again. Although some may claim that the doctrine of "Heaven and Hell" is only in the New Testament, we have solid evidence that the faithful children of God have always believed in the afterlife where we would join the faithful who go on before us. As Paul explains, Christians do "not grieve as do the rest who have no hope" (1 Thess 4.13). Like David, I know that I have the opportunity to join my son in heaven forever. This does not mean that I will not grieve for my son, but that I do not have to grieve like those who have no hope.

Hope. Hope is an amazing thing. Please consider this last passage:

Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ,  (2)  through whom also we have obtained our introduction by faith into this grace in which we stand; and we exult in hope of the glory of God.  (3)  And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance;  (4)  and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope;  (5)  and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us. Romans 5:1-5 

Hope does not disappoint when it is built around faith in God. If you are reading this and wondering at how I can move forward, it is because I have faith. I can live and worship God because I know that Heaven is just ahead. If you are not living a life of faith and do not have confidence in your salvation, please feel free to contact me.

seththepreacher@gmail.com

All Sufficient Grace for Me

May 26th, 2014 is today's date. It is Memorial Day to most Americans. However, Megan and I have had this date marked for nine months now. Today is Joses due date. He may or may not come today (that is entirely up to him), but it still seems like such an important day to us. As we have approached this day, and even now, I wonder if I am strong enough to go through this trial. When I am honest with myself, I see that I am very weak. However, in 2 Corinthians 12, Paul said that being weak is not so bad.

 Because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, for this reason, to keep me from exalting myself, there was given me a thorn in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to torment me--to keep me from exalting myself!  (8)  Concerning this I implored the Lord three times that it might leave me.  (9)  And He has said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness." Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.  (10)  Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ's sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong. (2 Corinthians 12:7-10)

Although many have speculated what Paul's "thorn in the flesh" was, there are only few things that we know for certain: 1) it was painful, 2) it kept him humble, and 3) Paul wanted the problem to be solved.  I know many people have been praying for us. We have not had an ultrasound to see our son in over a month. It may be true that God has already answered those prayers and corrected my son's neural tube defect. Perhaps God will heal Joses today or even after being born.

From the evidence we have seen, it is likely that God is answering our prayers in a similar way as He answered Paul. I am not sure how many times I personally have prayed that God would save my son. Paul prayed three times for his solution. While Paul received an audible response from God, those same words have been speaking to me from the page in my Bible. "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness."

At first, it seems like a cryptic or even a political way of saying "no". When you dig down to it, Paul is praying for something and God is denying Paul's request in a friendly way. However, the more you think about it, the more meaningful it becomes. Here are three lessons to learn from God's answer:

God's gifts are more than I deserve.

God has blessed me with far more than I deserve. I am a scummy sinner who deserves eternal death (Romans 6:23). No parent would tolerate in their own children the way I have treated my Heavenly Father. Whatever grace God is willing to give to me, it is far more than I deserve.

When I count my blessings, it is unthinkable to accuse God of stealing my son from me. God has blessed me with the past nine months with my son. It has been one of the greatest blessings of my life. If God took not only my son, but my wife, my family, and everything I have away from me today, but still offered salvation to me, it is still far more than I deserve.

God's grace is more than sufficient to meet all of my needs. Even when God answers "no", there are so many more times when He answers with "yes". God's grace is sufficient for me.

Even when the answer is "no", it is because

God wants and knows what is best.

I have no doubt that God is both wise and good and wants to do what is best for me.  I would much rather He be in charge of my life. God has proved Isaiah 55:8-9 to be true many times over.

"For My thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor are your ways My ways," declares the LORD. "For as the heavens are higher than the earth, So are My ways higher than your ways And My thoughts than your thoughts. (Isaiah 55:8-9) 

I do not have the ability to direct my own steps and get where I want to go (c.f. Jeremiah 10:23). To know this is true, all I have to do is look at a few examples in scripture. If you offered a young Joseph the opportunity to be thrown into a pit, then sold into slavery, and then thrown into prison, my guess is that he would have said, "no thanks". He, nor his brothers, nor would anyone else have imagined that God had planned for him to be a great ruler of Egypt. I am sure you would have gotten a similar "no thanks" if you had offered Daniel a chance to be thrown into a lion's den, his three friends to be thrown into a fiery furnace, David to be tormented by Saul, or Job to lose everything he owned. Who would have guessed those stories to end the way they did?

God's providence is amazing. Yes, bad things happen to good people. However, those same bad events always seem to bring someone closer to God. God is glorified through the most difficult of circumstances.

If God answers me with a "no", it is obvious that it is because

God wants me to be more like Jesus.

A Christ-ian's purpose in life is to be like Christ. People of the world should be able to see Jesus living in us. In order for this to happen, we need to become more like Christ. Just like Paul prayed three times for God to remove his thorn, Jesus prayed three times to "let this cup pass from me" (Mat 26:39). Paul's attitude mimics Jesus' statement of "not as I will, but as You will."

Jesus was willing to accept weakness for the purpose of displaying the power of God. God asks us to do the same.

Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus, who, although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, and being made in the likeness of men. Being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. (Philippians 2:5-8)

We are to have the same attitude that Jesus had when He humbled Himself by taking on flesh and dying on the cross. Paul said twice that his thorn was to "keep me from exalting myself" (2 Cor 12:7). Being selfish and proud is the exact opposite of being Christ-like.

God told both Paul and Jesus "no". If God is answering my prayers in a similar way, perhaps God is teaching me to humble myself and rely upon Him.

Conclusion

I do not know how God will answer my prayer. He very well may deny my requests. If He does, then I am in good company. God also answered both Jesus and Paul with "no". Jesus' attitude of "not my will, but yours" is similar to the way Paul responds:

Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ's sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong. (2 Corinthians 12:9b-10)

This time is difficult. Megan and I have both shed many tears. We know that this time will pass before we know it and will probably go by faster than we would like. We can, however, let God be strong for us. We can let His strength be displayed through our weaknesses.

The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away. Blessed be the name of the LORD." (Job 1:21b)

Our Plans

Many people have asked us about our plans for what happens after Joses is born. I am sure many more people are wanting to ask but do not want to upset us. I thought I would share with you this way.

 

We just got back from our 38 week check-up. Everything is quiet and uneventful as usual. Megan's blood pressure is good (the doctor's main concern). She have officially gained a lovely 35 pounds and we are wondering how much of that is Joses. She barely gained weight until her third trimester and now she packing on at least 24 oz every week it seems. Joses is quite active. He had the hiccups when we got to the office and while we waited. He continued to hiccup while they took his heartbeat. 

Joses' due date is Memorial Day, May 26th. Our plan is to avoid a C-section and allow Joses to come on his own if possible. Due to the nature of his condition, Anencephaly babies tend to go post term. Our limited research (asking other Anen parents what happened with them) suggests that he could come anytime between now and 44 weeks.

Megan's mother is here now and my mother will be here on Thursday. They will both be staying with us until after Joses is born.

First, we know that 1) God has His own plan, 2) God answers prayer, 3) God is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, so statistics and man's wisdom does not apply to us in many ways. Only God knows what He has planned for Joses and how long our son will be with us. That being said, we are preparing for any number of paths that might be taken knowing that God's choice is the best choice for us.

We are making arrangements with friends who have a car seat and extra newborn furniture to be on standby to help bring Joses home when Megan is released from the hospital if he is still with us.

We have also made preparations if our son dies. Joses will be buried next to my grandparents in Cookeville, Tennessee. The plots were purchased years ago for our family. We have contacted the funeral home there as well as one here in Clearwater to coordinate the arrangements.

Once Joses has left his earthly tent behind, his body will be transported to the funeral home here in Clearwater where it will be prepared for burial and placed in a casket.  My father desires to drive Joses' casket from Florida to Tennessee. Where he will be kept by the Tennessee funeral home until Megan is cleared for travel. Megan and I will fly to Tennessee for a family-only, grave-side funeral.

Both funeral homes have wonderfully offered all of their services for Joses for free. All we will have to pay for is the infant casket and death certificate. All funeral related expenses (besides travel) will cost less than $300.

Prayers are still coveted. We have that "ready to meet him" fever but know that hello also means goodbye, so we want the time to slow down, too. It's a weird middle ground. Thank you for all of your love and concern throughout this pregnancy. It has helped SO much.