All Sufficient Grace for Me

May 26th, 2014 is today's date. It is Memorial Day to most Americans. However, Megan and I have had this date marked for nine months now. Today is Joses due date. He may or may not come today (that is entirely up to him), but it still seems like such an important day to us. As we have approached this day, and even now, I wonder if I am strong enough to go through this trial. When I am honest with myself, I see that I am very weak. However, in 2 Corinthians 12, Paul said that being weak is not so bad.

 Because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, for this reason, to keep me from exalting myself, there was given me a thorn in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to torment me--to keep me from exalting myself!  (8)  Concerning this I implored the Lord three times that it might leave me.  (9)  And He has said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness." Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.  (10)  Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ's sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong. (2 Corinthians 12:7-10)

Although many have speculated what Paul's "thorn in the flesh" was, there are only few things that we know for certain: 1) it was painful, 2) it kept him humble, and 3) Paul wanted the problem to be solved.  I know many people have been praying for us. We have not had an ultrasound to see our son in over a month. It may be true that God has already answered those prayers and corrected my son's neural tube defect. Perhaps God will heal Joses today or even after being born.

From the evidence we have seen, it is likely that God is answering our prayers in a similar way as He answered Paul. I am not sure how many times I personally have prayed that God would save my son. Paul prayed three times for his solution. While Paul received an audible response from God, those same words have been speaking to me from the page in my Bible. "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness."

At first, it seems like a cryptic or even a political way of saying "no". When you dig down to it, Paul is praying for something and God is denying Paul's request in a friendly way. However, the more you think about it, the more meaningful it becomes. Here are three lessons to learn from God's answer:

God's gifts are more than I deserve.

God has blessed me with far more than I deserve. I am a scummy sinner who deserves eternal death (Romans 6:23). No parent would tolerate in their own children the way I have treated my Heavenly Father. Whatever grace God is willing to give to me, it is far more than I deserve.

When I count my blessings, it is unthinkable to accuse God of stealing my son from me. God has blessed me with the past nine months with my son. It has been one of the greatest blessings of my life. If God took not only my son, but my wife, my family, and everything I have away from me today, but still offered salvation to me, it is still far more than I deserve.

God's grace is more than sufficient to meet all of my needs. Even when God answers "no", there are so many more times when He answers with "yes". God's grace is sufficient for me.

Even when the answer is "no", it is because

God wants and knows what is best.

I have no doubt that God is both wise and good and wants to do what is best for me.  I would much rather He be in charge of my life. God has proved Isaiah 55:8-9 to be true many times over.

"For My thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor are your ways My ways," declares the LORD. "For as the heavens are higher than the earth, So are My ways higher than your ways And My thoughts than your thoughts. (Isaiah 55:8-9) 

I do not have the ability to direct my own steps and get where I want to go (c.f. Jeremiah 10:23). To know this is true, all I have to do is look at a few examples in scripture. If you offered a young Joseph the opportunity to be thrown into a pit, then sold into slavery, and then thrown into prison, my guess is that he would have said, "no thanks". He, nor his brothers, nor would anyone else have imagined that God had planned for him to be a great ruler of Egypt. I am sure you would have gotten a similar "no thanks" if you had offered Daniel a chance to be thrown into a lion's den, his three friends to be thrown into a fiery furnace, David to be tormented by Saul, or Job to lose everything he owned. Who would have guessed those stories to end the way they did?

God's providence is amazing. Yes, bad things happen to good people. However, those same bad events always seem to bring someone closer to God. God is glorified through the most difficult of circumstances.

If God answers me with a "no", it is obvious that it is because

God wants me to be more like Jesus.

A Christ-ian's purpose in life is to be like Christ. People of the world should be able to see Jesus living in us. In order for this to happen, we need to become more like Christ. Just like Paul prayed three times for God to remove his thorn, Jesus prayed three times to "let this cup pass from me" (Mat 26:39). Paul's attitude mimics Jesus' statement of "not as I will, but as You will."

Jesus was willing to accept weakness for the purpose of displaying the power of God. God asks us to do the same.

Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus, who, although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, and being made in the likeness of men. Being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. (Philippians 2:5-8)

We are to have the same attitude that Jesus had when He humbled Himself by taking on flesh and dying on the cross. Paul said twice that his thorn was to "keep me from exalting myself" (2 Cor 12:7). Being selfish and proud is the exact opposite of being Christ-like.

God told both Paul and Jesus "no". If God is answering my prayers in a similar way, perhaps God is teaching me to humble myself and rely upon Him.

Conclusion

I do not know how God will answer my prayer. He very well may deny my requests. If He does, then I am in good company. God also answered both Jesus and Paul with "no". Jesus' attitude of "not my will, but yours" is similar to the way Paul responds:

Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ's sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong. (2 Corinthians 12:9b-10)

This time is difficult. Megan and I have both shed many tears. We know that this time will pass before we know it and will probably go by faster than we would like. We can, however, let God be strong for us. We can let His strength be displayed through our weaknesses.

The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away. Blessed be the name of the LORD." (Job 1:21b)

Our Plans

Many people have asked us about our plans for what happens after Joses is born. I am sure many more people are wanting to ask but do not want to upset us. I thought I would share with you this way.

 

We just got back from our 38 week check-up. Everything is quiet and uneventful as usual. Megan's blood pressure is good (the doctor's main concern). She have officially gained a lovely 35 pounds and we are wondering how much of that is Joses. She barely gained weight until her third trimester and now she packing on at least 24 oz every week it seems. Joses is quite active. He had the hiccups when we got to the office and while we waited. He continued to hiccup while they took his heartbeat. 

Joses' due date is Memorial Day, May 26th. Our plan is to avoid a C-section and allow Joses to come on his own if possible. Due to the nature of his condition, Anencephaly babies tend to go post term. Our limited research (asking other Anen parents what happened with them) suggests that he could come anytime between now and 44 weeks.

Megan's mother is here now and my mother will be here on Thursday. They will both be staying with us until after Joses is born.

First, we know that 1) God has His own plan, 2) God answers prayer, 3) God is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, so statistics and man's wisdom does not apply to us in many ways. Only God knows what He has planned for Joses and how long our son will be with us. That being said, we are preparing for any number of paths that might be taken knowing that God's choice is the best choice for us.

We are making arrangements with friends who have a car seat and extra newborn furniture to be on standby to help bring Joses home when Megan is released from the hospital if he is still with us.

We have also made preparations if our son dies. Joses will be buried next to my grandparents in Cookeville, Tennessee. The plots were purchased years ago for our family. We have contacted the funeral home there as well as one here in Clearwater to coordinate the arrangements.

Once Joses has left his earthly tent behind, his body will be transported to the funeral home here in Clearwater where it will be prepared for burial and placed in a casket.  My father desires to drive Joses' casket from Florida to Tennessee. Where he will be kept by the Tennessee funeral home until Megan is cleared for travel. Megan and I will fly to Tennessee for a family-only, grave-side funeral.

Both funeral homes have wonderfully offered all of their services for Joses for free. All we will have to pay for is the infant casket and death certificate. All funeral related expenses (besides travel) will cost less than $300.

Prayers are still coveted. We have that "ready to meet him" fever but know that hello also means goodbye, so we want the time to slow down, too. It's a weird middle ground. Thank you for all of your love and concern throughout this pregnancy. It has helped SO much.

Thoughts on Sunrise

I often wake up before daylight and go watch the sunrise over Tampa Bay. It took me five minutes in heavy traffic this morning to drive from my house to this pier in Safety Harbor, FL. While there are a few things that come to mind every time I witness the sun breaking over the horizon, each of these thoughts have taken on a new light (pun intended) because Joses is always on my mind.

Just a passing moment of beauty

My father and mother are here visiting with us from Tennessee for a few days. My dad and I are early risers. Dawn was already upon us when we decided to drive to Safety Harbor to see the sun rise. Since it was so light outside already, we were afraid we were going miss that magical moment when the sun peaks it's brim over the horizon. The sky was on fire with every variation of red, yellow, and orange as we were driving. But just as God is faithful to his promises, the sun is was right on schedule this morning. We got there about ten minutes before that special moment. I started taking pictures of the dawn from different vantage points. It amazes me how each second gives you a different picture.

We saw a gentleman there that comes every morning with his dog. While we were paying attention to my dog Philo and the other dog playing with each other, the man said, "It sure is a beautiful sunrise this morning." When I turned around, only the bottom tip of the sun was no longer visible. We had missed those few seconds when the sun first comes in sight. I am always amazed at how quickly the sun rises.

While all of life is short, I am learning right now just how brief it passes. Even if we are in the rare category and get a few weeks or a few months with Joses, that time will seem so short compared to our expected life without him after he passes away. All we have are just moments with him to make the most of because they will soon be gone.

My thoughts then go to my own mortality and realize how quickly my life has been passing. It seems like just a couple of years have passed since college when in reality, it was a decade ago. It seems like I have always looked forward to that next step in life, but just like that sunrise this morning, the moment that I am in is gone as soon as it came.

The sunrise, time with my son, and the moment in which I am living are all beautiful. However, each fade away just as soon as they arrive.   "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead,  (4)  to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you,  (5)  who by God's power are being guarded through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time." (1 Peter 1:3-5)

This is a daily gift from God that I often miss

When I stand and watch the sun rise over the water, I think about how many people are missing this amazing moment. They are either sleeping, or driving to work, or preoccupied with other aspects of life. Then I realize how often I do not slow down to enjoy and appreciate the blessings of God. Even though the sun rises every day, I do not always see it. There are days that God sends blessings that I do not witness in person.

I do not know who originally said it, but I heard a common quote in a sermon once that says "What if you woke up today with only the things you were thankful for yesterday?" Sadly, I would not wake up with many things on most days. There are so many blessings in my life that I do not see, think about, or realize how sad my life would be without them.

On days I am tempted to think, "Why me? Why my son?"; I should ask "Why am I so blessed?" Instead of being sad or angry for the time I will not get with Joses, I should be thankful for the time I have with him now. There are so many lessons I am learning right now about God through my son. I do not want to have to bury Joses. However, growing closer to God over the past few months has been worth all of the pain I have felt. Is there a greater blessing than growing closer to God?

If God's temporary creation is this beautiful, how much more heaven must be

My son will never see the sunrise. He will not get to experience a soft breeze, the beauty of a waterfall, the feel of soft grass between his toes, or any other beautiful seen every day in this world. Although this makes me sad, I am reminded that heaven will surely be far more beautiful. 1 Timothy 6.15-16 describes God as "the blessed and only Sovereign, the King of kings and Lord of lords, who alone has immortality, who dwells in unapproachable light, whom no one has ever seen or can see."

If so much detailed beauty could be put in something temporary, how much thought and detail has gone into designing God's permanent home? My son will see far more beautiful things than I will while he waits for Jesus to call us all home to heaven.

With the temporary nature of this world, my desire is to be like Jesus, the ultimate example of God's Servant in Isaiah 50.4-5 who says, "The Lord GOD has given Me the tongue of disciples, That I may know how to sustain the weary one with a word. He awakens Me morning by morning, He awakens My ear to listen as a disciple. The Lord GOD has opened My ear; And I was not disobedient Nor did I turn back."

A Mother's Perspective (by Megan)

While Seth normally is the one who shares all information, today I (Megan) am writing to update everyone on Joses’ current progress.  We are in the 34^th week of our pregnancy and today we went to the high risk pregnancy office. We have ultrasounds every 6 or 8 weeks to check the amount of amniotic fluid surrounding Joses.  One of the few risks with carrying him to term is that the amount of fluid in my uterus can be higher than that of a normal pregnancy which can cause high blood pressure. Luckily, my blood pressure looks good and the fluid levels are only slightly above normal. The doctor said that the amount of fluid currently built up is a little bit above the 90^th percentile but he has seen much worse in other anencephalic pregnancies. We were not able to get any pictures because of his position and because of his size at this phase in the pregnancy. His head is straight down and his feet are tucked under his knees.  I was a little disappointed that he was so hard to see. This will probably be the last time we see him before he is born.  Surprisingly, he is larger than I expected him to be. Even with the abscess in his head, he weighs approximately 5 pounds and 6 ounces. They can’t exactly predict his birth weight but if he progresses at a half a pound each week, he very well may be a little over 7 pounds when he is born. From the signs we saw, he is progressing well with a strong heart beat and we should have a little more time before he makes his appearance. According to my doctors, Joses could come in the next few weeks or could wait as long as 44 weeks, depending on my condition. The goal right now is to let Joses determine when he’s going to come.

Seth and I are looking forward to enjoying several more weeks of feeling him and making memories with him.

Although Seth and I are enjoying our time with Joses, everything still strikes us as bittersweet.  We look forward to kissing his sweet face and inspecting his perfect little hands and feet. On the other hand, we wonder how much time we will have with him alive. We pray fervently that he will be healed. However, we still remember that God may use Joses in a different way and that things will probably continue to go on as they have. We smile when we see little ones but then tears fill our eyes when we see little boys with their mommies and daddies. Our time with Joses is precious but knowing that this part of our journey with him is almost over is very difficult, particularly on me. I long to hold my son and be free of the discomfort of pregnancy, but I don’t want to lose of moments that I have with him growing and moving inside of me. I am growing to understand the meaning of “redeeming the time”.  There are so many things we want to do with him before we say goodbye. There are so many pictures we want in his memory book and there so many things I want to make for him but there is so little time.

When we first got this diagnosis, I wanted the time between January and May to pass as quickly as possible. I wanted the hurt and the uncertainty to go away. I was so scared.  In the weeks after we found out, I was in shock. I wasn’t sure how to connect with my little one. I struggled to enjoy his movements. I didn’t know what to pray for.  I didn’t know how I would feel about holding him in my arms after he passed. I felt shallow. I felt like a bad mother and I was scared that I wouldn’t love my son as I should. Now, as the pregnancy draws to a close many of those feelings have changed. I am scared to say goodbye again. I can’t imagine loving him anymore than I already do. I dread having to let go of this very intimate connection.  I wonder if I’ll ever be able to feel as strongly for a little one the way I love my son. When I see that a new baby is born (and there are so many right now) I rejoice for the parents. They will have challenges and they will have joy. However, it also reminds me that what is a beginning for most little ones is, in a sense, the end for mine. While I see parents beginning a new and deep connection with their little one, I know that  it will be the end of the connection I have with Joses on this Earth. I understand now what a precious gift God has given me. This time and these experiences are priceless.

Joses at 24 weeks

While I do mourn the time I will not have, I pray that the Lord never lets me forget how beautiful a gift He’s given me. I have been a shelter to another life. I have had someone to care for and nurture each day that truly relies on me.  I have felt his little body move inside of me.  I have a son. So many women are never blessed with any of those things even though they long to be mothers. On the other hand, so many women abort babies before they ever get to really enjoy that connection. I ache for those babies and I ache for those mothers.

I am truly blessed and have been given a priceless gift. God has placed inside of me a little life that truly encourages me. God has used this little one to strengthen me, my marriage, and most importantly, my faith in Him.  Is this pregnancy hard? YES. Is it worth it? Absolutely.

My prayer for all who hear Joses’ story is that they value life. If you are ever blessed with a little one as we have been, I pray that you never see that little life as anything other than the gift that he or she is. Every good and PERFECT gift comes from above (James 1:17) and my all-powerful Creator does not make mistakes.

What Can you Say?

Megan had no idea I was taking this picture. She was lying down on the bed and feeling our son do laps around her insides. I am not sure I have ever seen her so happy. She is taking care of our son. She is being his protector like no one else can. She is undoubtedly a mother. We will get to hold our precious son. We will have pictures and memories to cherish for the rest of our lives.

Mixed into these moments of joy are times of the deepest grief either of us have ever felt. We do not always anticipate them coming. For example, Megan and I were on a pleasant walk through the park near our home. We turned a corner and a young mother and her toddler were laughing as they were rolling in the grass together. It was a beautiful moment of something we will never be able to do with Joses. Yesterday was difficult because Megan was reminded that there were only sixty days until Joses' due date. Now it is just fifty-nine. While we are excited to meet our son, we dread losing him. While Megan is tired of having weird pains and the inability to bend over, she loves feeling Joses move around inside her. We are less than fifty-nine days away from the birth of our son and in all likelihood, less than fifty-nine days from having to say goodbye.

It may seem strange, but saying both "congratulations" and "I'm sorry" in the same breath is exactly what we need to hear. Megan will give birth to our son. We will have great moments of joy that only new parents can feel. For these reasons, it is certainly appropriate for you to rejoice with us. At the same time, what can you say to a couple who will be losing their son? The English language does not contain any words that can make that pain go away. Paul commands in Romans 12:15 to "Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep." Right now, we need both.

Many people have spoken to us about our situation. Everyone has good intentions in their words, but some are less comforting than others. Through all of this, I have learned what and what not to say to people who are grieving. If a man tragically lost his wife in an accident, no one would tell him "You can always get another wife." Our grieving is not because we are not getting to be parents, but we are parents only for a moment to Joses. We will never hear him laugh, coo, sing, or say "daddy." We will always miss his face, his voice, and his smile. We know there will be bright days ahead of us and if God wills, multiple children. However, we will always miss our Joses. No child will ever replace him. While we know that it is well intended, "you can have more children" is not all that comforting.

Some of the greatest comforters in the Bible were Job's friends. They came to him after losing his children "sat down on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights with no one speaking a word to him, for they saw that his pain was very great" (Job 2:13).  Two chapters later, they opened their mouths and gave Job bad advice that did far more harm than good. Just being their for Job must have given great comfort. Some of the greatest comfort to us have been people who have come to us saying, "I do not know what to say. I'm sorry. You are in my prayers." Sometimes all it takes is having a sympathetic eye offering a simple nod, hug, or smile.

In the three months since we learned the word "Anencephaly", we have seen several of our friends go through great struggles. Although their struggles are different, we all having some things in common. I have learned:
1) It is ok to not know what to say.
2) Say, "I'm sorry." (It is usually enough)
3) Let them vent if they need to.
4) Do not avoid them. (Even if it makes you uncomfortable, it makes them more so. Without forcing them, welcome them back into your company.)
5) Unless you have been through their exact situation, they do not need advice. They have researched their situation far more than you have. Just be there to listen. (and refer to #1 and 2).
5) Do not expect them to always be sad or happy on your timeline.
6) A hug is worth a thousand words.


Some of the ideas for this post came from another parent of an Anencephaly child.
http://brodymicah.blogspot.com/2014/03/why-its-ok-to-say-congratulations-and.html

Vicarious Love

By Seth McDonald

March 3, 2014

When I was a teenager, I typed out my life goals on my mother’s laptop. I accomplished one of them sixteen months ago when I married a woman who loves God more than she loves me. All of the other goals had to do with things I would do with my children. I have dreamed for a long time of coaching my kids’ baseball teams, leading their scouting groups, and teaching them about God. Until January 6th, I thought I would start to fulfill those dreams in May, when our son Joses is due to be born. It was on that day that we learned our son has a terminal condition called Anencephaly. The doctor told us that Anencephaly "is not compatible with life," and our son was going to die. All of those life goals I have for my children have been postponed. Joses will never play baseball, be a Cub Scout, or even call me "daddy."

Many people have rushed to our aid over the last couple of months. Some of our dear friends drove down from Tennessee to stay with us this week. For many reasons, we were excited that they were coming to be with us. They are planning to help us around the house, preparing meals for us both this week and freezing meals for later, and giving us a good distraction. We love spending time with this sweet couple and their three children. However, one thing was causing us some anxiety in anticipating their arrival. We knew that we were going to do some fun things with their kids this week that we had been looking forward to doing with Joses.

We went to a playground near our house today. Playing with their kids—especially their two sons—made me crave playing with my son. At first, all I could think about was how I do not get to be that kind of daddy to Joses. Then a thought came to me that I did not expect. I was carrying around and tickling their youngest son, and he was laughing and having a good time. I could not help but smile and think about what joy I was bringing to this young child's life at that moment. This may not make sense to anyone else, but instead of getting sad about the lost plans I had with Joses, I thought about how—in some small way—it was like I was playing with my son through these kids. I felt like I was displaying the love I have for my son by giving it to others.

My mind then turned to a lesson of Jesus and how much more special it is to me now. The determining factor of whether you really love God is how you show it. However, there is no way to show hospitality to God or send Him a card in the mail. There is nothing we can offer God that He cannot easily do for Himself. However, in Matthew 25:31-46, He declares what will separate His real followers from those who only pretended to love Him.

"When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, then he will sit on his glorious throne. (32)  Before him will be gathered all the nations, and he will separate people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. (33)  And he will place the sheep on his right, but the goats on the left. (34)  Then the King will say to those on his right, 'Come, you who are blessed by my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world. (35)  For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, (36)  I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.' (37)  Then the righteous will answer him, saying, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink? (38)  And when did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you? (39) And when did we see you sick or in prison and visit you?' (40)  And the King will answer them, 'Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.' (41)  "Then he will say to those on his left, 'Depart from me, you cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. (42) For I was hungry and you gave me no food, I was thirsty and you gave me no drink, (43)  I was a stranger and you did not welcome me, naked and you did not clothe me, sick and in prison and you did not visit me.' (44)  Then they also will answer, saying, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or naked or sick or in prison, and did not minister to you?' (45)  Then he will answer them, saying, 'Truly, I say to you, as you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to me.' (46) And these will go away into eternal punishment, but the righteous into eternal life."

The fact is, we can tell God how much we love Him and sing hymns like "Oh How I Love Jesus" a thousand times, but it is all meaningless unless we are showing Him our love through our actions. Jesus says that we can vicariously show our love for Him by serving those He loves.

Another passage that has a deeper meaning to me today is when Paul talks about this kind of love in Philippians 4:15-18.

And you Philippians yourselves know that in the beginning of the gospel, when I left Macedonia, no church entered into partnership with me in giving and receiving, except you only.  (16)  Even in Thessalonica you sent me help for my needs once and again.  (17)  Not that I seek the gift, but I seek the fruit that increases to your credit.  (18)  I have received full payment, and more. I am well supplied, having received from Epaphroditus the gifts you sent, a fragrant offering, a sacrifice acceptable and pleasing to God.

The church at Philippi had sent money to Paul to support him preaching the gospel. The three previous verses said that it was not out of greed that Paul wanted the money, but that they were able to "share in [Paul's] trouble." They were displaying their love for Christ by supporting Paul while he spread the gospel. It was their sacrificial hearts, not the literal money, that was such a sweet smelling sacrifice. God loved the Philippian brethren because they were willing to show their love for Paul.

Like Epaphroditus who delivered the aid to Paul from the Philippians, our friends from Tennessee delivered gifts to us yesterday that were sent from many people. Not only have many of those people sent us gifts to help with the medical expenses associated with our son, they also sent us gifts to help us take a getaway as a couple and several gift cards for date nights. All of the cards, hugs, messages, and gifts have overwhelmed us. We feel such love and support from so many. It is so difficult to think of how to show our gratitude. I certainly feel like "the least of these my brethren" of which Jesus spoke. I am confident your love for us has been pleasing to God.

God has given me a heart that is capable of sharing so much love. If my son were healthy, so much of my time and energy would have been spent on him. While I may yet get a few precious hours with my son after he is born, I—and my love—will outlive him. All of the love I would have shown to him in the coming years should not go wasted on myself. If I really want to love my son, I should act like God's Son and serve others. Every time I have the opportunity to put a smile on a child’s face or offer just a cup of cold water in the name of God, I can show that vicarious love for both my son and my Lord.

Barnabas the Elephant

Many people have asked us "how are you doing?" and we have no idea how to respond. Instead of posting a religious article, in an attempt to tell you how we are doing, I want to tell you the story of Barnabas the Elephant.

Our twenty week appointment with our doctor was scheduled for January 6th. This is usually when people find out the gender of their baby. To surprise our parents over the holidays, we decided to go to "Pregnancy Treasures" in Pinellas Park, Florida to find out early. As the ultrasound technician was carefully taking pictures, I could see before she told us that we were having a son. Though I would have been overjoyed to have a daughter, I made a huge fist pump in the air when we were walking to the car. The thought of our oldest being a boy made me so happy.

Long before I met my wife, for so many reasons, Barnabas has been my Bible hero. I said a long time ago that I wanted to name my son after Barnabas, but I knew that it would be cruel to name a kid "Barney." However, Acts 4:36 says "Barnabas" was a nickname given to him by the apostles. His real name was Joses. Although we had talked about it many times before, it was this day we decided for sure our first son would be named Joses Andrew McDonald.

Later that evening we met with two of our good friends at a mall in Tampa to see the second Hobbit movie. We parked near the JC Penny entrance and went through the store. We got there early so we decided to go look in the baby section. Megan was falling in love with everything made for little boys. She especially fell in love with a blue and white stripped plush elephant. We thought plush toys might come flooding in with baby showers so we decided not to get it that night.

Three weeks later, we got the devastating news that our son has Anencephaly. He never developed most of his brain or the top part of his skull. If he survives the birthing process, it is guaranteed that he will die shortly after being born. I have never cried so hard as I did that night. Up to this point, calling our parents and siblings was the hardest thing I have ever done.

We have known about our son's condition for a month now and there are nearly four months until his due date. The emotions we now feel are everywhere. Although we have found ways to laugh every day, our son is always on our minds. All of our lost plans and dreams hurt so much.

Last week has been especially hard. Between Megan and I, we had four Facebook friends whose babies were born within a 24 hour span. Three sets of parents took their baby home. One of them also had a baby with Anencephaly. Her sweet Daniel lived 39 minutes. 39 sweet, wonderful minutes. Our heart has been breaking for our friend that we have yet to meet in person. On the same day, a co-worker asked Megan, "Don't you know what your body is going to go through? Can't you take care of that?" It is not the first time Megan and I have been asked in a bewildered way why we are not going to abort our son. We are sure it will not be the last.

On the way to the mall on Saturday night to buy maternity clothes, Megan asked me if we could purchase one of those blue and white elephants. I had just been thinking about getting some kind of stuffed animal to name "Barnabas" for us to keep. I want something that can be with us for family pictures that represents our son. We do not ever want to forget him or leave him out of our family.

Unfortunately, they were out of stock of the full sized plush elephants, but we did manage to get the small one that is attached to a security blanket. Megan had the idea of covering this small one in kisses and burying it with our son. In a small way, a token of our love for him will be with his body until Jesus returns and calls for that body to be resurrected.

Holding Barnabas the Elephant now and knowing that it will be in the casket with my son is making this whole process so much more real. It is starting to sink in that there will be a point where I will have to hand him over to some medical professional I do not know and walk away. I will watch his casket being lowered into the ground. I will have to keep living my life without my Joses. The night we found out about our son's condition was the only night I have cried more than we did Saturday night holding this little elephant.

If you have asked us how we are doing, know that we appreciate your concern. Do not be surprised if we say we are doing fine. I wanted to write out what harder days have looked like for us. There is no doubt that we are grieving. Thankfully, we do not have to "grieve as do the rest who have no hope. For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so God will bring with Him those who have fallen asleep in Jesus" (1 Thessalonians 4:13b-14). One day, I will be with my son "and so we shall always be with the Lord" (1 Thessalonians 4:17b). By these words we are comforted.

Edit: I posted this article and asked if people could go to JC Penny and look for the larger version of Barnabas. It seemed less than five minutes later that my brother sent me a picture in a text message of the elephant from a JC Penny in Nashville. Thanks for everyone who rushed to find one for us.

By Seth McDonald

February 3, 2014