What Can you Say?

Megan had no idea I was taking this picture. She was lying down on the bed and feeling our son do laps around her insides. I am not sure I have ever seen her so happy. She is taking care of our son. She is being his protector like no one else can. She is undoubtedly a mother. We will get to hold our precious son. We will have pictures and memories to cherish for the rest of our lives.

Mixed into these moments of joy are times of the deepest grief either of us have ever felt. We do not always anticipate them coming. For example, Megan and I were on a pleasant walk through the park near our home. We turned a corner and a young mother and her toddler were laughing as they were rolling in the grass together. It was a beautiful moment of something we will never be able to do with Joses. Yesterday was difficult because Megan was reminded that there were only sixty days until Joses' due date. Now it is just fifty-nine. While we are excited to meet our son, we dread losing him. While Megan is tired of having weird pains and the inability to bend over, she loves feeling Joses move around inside her. We are less than fifty-nine days away from the birth of our son and in all likelihood, less than fifty-nine days from having to say goodbye.

It may seem strange, but saying both "congratulations" and "I'm sorry" in the same breath is exactly what we need to hear. Megan will give birth to our son. We will have great moments of joy that only new parents can feel. For these reasons, it is certainly appropriate for you to rejoice with us. At the same time, what can you say to a couple who will be losing their son? The English language does not contain any words that can make that pain go away. Paul commands in Romans 12:15 to "Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep." Right now, we need both.

Many people have spoken to us about our situation. Everyone has good intentions in their words, but some are less comforting than others. Through all of this, I have learned what and what not to say to people who are grieving. If a man tragically lost his wife in an accident, no one would tell him "You can always get another wife." Our grieving is not because we are not getting to be parents, but we are parents only for a moment to Joses. We will never hear him laugh, coo, sing, or say "daddy." We will always miss his face, his voice, and his smile. We know there will be bright days ahead of us and if God wills, multiple children. However, we will always miss our Joses. No child will ever replace him. While we know that it is well intended, "you can have more children" is not all that comforting.

Some of the greatest comforters in the Bible were Job's friends. They came to him after losing his children "sat down on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights with no one speaking a word to him, for they saw that his pain was very great" (Job 2:13).  Two chapters later, they opened their mouths and gave Job bad advice that did far more harm than good. Just being their for Job must have given great comfort. Some of the greatest comfort to us have been people who have come to us saying, "I do not know what to say. I'm sorry. You are in my prayers." Sometimes all it takes is having a sympathetic eye offering a simple nod, hug, or smile.

In the three months since we learned the word "Anencephaly", we have seen several of our friends go through great struggles. Although their struggles are different, we all having some things in common. I have learned:
1) It is ok to not know what to say.
2) Say, "I'm sorry." (It is usually enough)
3) Let them vent if they need to.
4) Do not avoid them. (Even if it makes you uncomfortable, it makes them more so. Without forcing them, welcome them back into your company.)
5) Unless you have been through their exact situation, they do not need advice. They have researched their situation far more than you have. Just be there to listen. (and refer to #1 and 2).
5) Do not expect them to always be sad or happy on your timeline.
6) A hug is worth a thousand words.


Some of the ideas for this post came from another parent of an Anencephaly child.
http://brodymicah.blogspot.com/2014/03/why-its-ok-to-say-congratulations-and.html

Vicarious Love

By Seth McDonald

March 3, 2014

When I was a teenager, I typed out my life goals on my mother’s laptop. I accomplished one of them sixteen months ago when I married a woman who loves God more than she loves me. All of the other goals had to do with things I would do with my children. I have dreamed for a long time of coaching my kids’ baseball teams, leading their scouting groups, and teaching them about God. Until January 6th, I thought I would start to fulfill those dreams in May, when our son Joses is due to be born. It was on that day that we learned our son has a terminal condition called Anencephaly. The doctor told us that Anencephaly "is not compatible with life," and our son was going to die. All of those life goals I have for my children have been postponed. Joses will never play baseball, be a Cub Scout, or even call me "daddy."

Many people have rushed to our aid over the last couple of months. Some of our dear friends drove down from Tennessee to stay with us this week. For many reasons, we were excited that they were coming to be with us. They are planning to help us around the house, preparing meals for us both this week and freezing meals for later, and giving us a good distraction. We love spending time with this sweet couple and their three children. However, one thing was causing us some anxiety in anticipating their arrival. We knew that we were going to do some fun things with their kids this week that we had been looking forward to doing with Joses.

We went to a playground near our house today. Playing with their kids—especially their two sons—made me crave playing with my son. At first, all I could think about was how I do not get to be that kind of daddy to Joses. Then a thought came to me that I did not expect. I was carrying around and tickling their youngest son, and he was laughing and having a good time. I could not help but smile and think about what joy I was bringing to this young child's life at that moment. This may not make sense to anyone else, but instead of getting sad about the lost plans I had with Joses, I thought about how—in some small way—it was like I was playing with my son through these kids. I felt like I was displaying the love I have for my son by giving it to others.

My mind then turned to a lesson of Jesus and how much more special it is to me now. The determining factor of whether you really love God is how you show it. However, there is no way to show hospitality to God or send Him a card in the mail. There is nothing we can offer God that He cannot easily do for Himself. However, in Matthew 25:31-46, He declares what will separate His real followers from those who only pretended to love Him.

"When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, then he will sit on his glorious throne. (32)  Before him will be gathered all the nations, and he will separate people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. (33)  And he will place the sheep on his right, but the goats on the left. (34)  Then the King will say to those on his right, 'Come, you who are blessed by my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world. (35)  For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, (36)  I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.' (37)  Then the righteous will answer him, saying, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink? (38)  And when did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you? (39) And when did we see you sick or in prison and visit you?' (40)  And the King will answer them, 'Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.' (41)  "Then he will say to those on his left, 'Depart from me, you cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. (42) For I was hungry and you gave me no food, I was thirsty and you gave me no drink, (43)  I was a stranger and you did not welcome me, naked and you did not clothe me, sick and in prison and you did not visit me.' (44)  Then they also will answer, saying, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or naked or sick or in prison, and did not minister to you?' (45)  Then he will answer them, saying, 'Truly, I say to you, as you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to me.' (46) And these will go away into eternal punishment, but the righteous into eternal life."

The fact is, we can tell God how much we love Him and sing hymns like "Oh How I Love Jesus" a thousand times, but it is all meaningless unless we are showing Him our love through our actions. Jesus says that we can vicariously show our love for Him by serving those He loves.

Another passage that has a deeper meaning to me today is when Paul talks about this kind of love in Philippians 4:15-18.

And you Philippians yourselves know that in the beginning of the gospel, when I left Macedonia, no church entered into partnership with me in giving and receiving, except you only.  (16)  Even in Thessalonica you sent me help for my needs once and again.  (17)  Not that I seek the gift, but I seek the fruit that increases to your credit.  (18)  I have received full payment, and more. I am well supplied, having received from Epaphroditus the gifts you sent, a fragrant offering, a sacrifice acceptable and pleasing to God.

The church at Philippi had sent money to Paul to support him preaching the gospel. The three previous verses said that it was not out of greed that Paul wanted the money, but that they were able to "share in [Paul's] trouble." They were displaying their love for Christ by supporting Paul while he spread the gospel. It was their sacrificial hearts, not the literal money, that was such a sweet smelling sacrifice. God loved the Philippian brethren because they were willing to show their love for Paul.

Like Epaphroditus who delivered the aid to Paul from the Philippians, our friends from Tennessee delivered gifts to us yesterday that were sent from many people. Not only have many of those people sent us gifts to help with the medical expenses associated with our son, they also sent us gifts to help us take a getaway as a couple and several gift cards for date nights. All of the cards, hugs, messages, and gifts have overwhelmed us. We feel such love and support from so many. It is so difficult to think of how to show our gratitude. I certainly feel like "the least of these my brethren" of which Jesus spoke. I am confident your love for us has been pleasing to God.

God has given me a heart that is capable of sharing so much love. If my son were healthy, so much of my time and energy would have been spent on him. While I may yet get a few precious hours with my son after he is born, I—and my love—will outlive him. All of the love I would have shown to him in the coming years should not go wasted on myself. If I really want to love my son, I should act like God's Son and serve others. Every time I have the opportunity to put a smile on a child’s face or offer just a cup of cold water in the name of God, I can show that vicarious love for both my son and my Lord.