As we approach New Years Day,
"relief" is not a strong enough word to express how glad I am that
2014 is finally over. Although it has been a year full of personal spiritual
growth and our family becoming immeasurably closer, it has been the most
difficult year of my life.
The year began with excitement
and anticipation of the arrival of our firstborn son. Just five days into the
new year our dreams were crushed. We found out Joses our son would die on his
birthday. Half of 2014 was waiting for our son to die. Joses grew inside Megan
to the normal size of nearly seven pounds. Every kick and movement caused us to
love him more and reminded us of his impending death. Thousands of people
prayed for Joses. Our prayer is that we would get some time with him alive.
However, our son never took a single breath. Joses was stillborn on June 17th.
He was still alive and moving just minutes before he was born. We still
struggle with questions of "why".
Our excitement once again in
November grew when we found out that Megan was pregnant. We immediately called
our family and friends to share our news. We were full of hope and comfort
knowing that God was blessing us with another child. So many people cried tears
of joy for us at the beginning of the December when we announced our pregnancy on Facebook. However, Megan had a
miscarriage just three days later. Almost exactly six months after losing our
first child, we lost our second. Although we intellectually know it is not
true, having a healthy pregnancy feels like walking through a minefield. If you
take one misstep, death comes to your home.
We are so thankful for so many
people who have been praying for us and offered words of comfort to us. No
matter what they say, we know their hearts are hurting for us. Their prayers
and the visible hurt in their eyes for us means more than they can ever know.
However, I would like to make one point. I do not have anyone in particular in
mind nor have we been offended by anyone by their effort to comfort us.
Although it has been rare for
people to do so, some have assumed to completely know and understand God's plan
in my life. Phrases such as "God is just using you for…", "God
must be…", or the worst offender: "God just needed your angels more
than you do". When you look at some of the greatest heroes in the Bible,
they were unwilling to assume to know the mind of God. So many times, they used
the words "perhaps" or "who knows".
Moses: On the next day Moses
said to the people, "You yourselves have committed a great sin; and now I
am going up to the LORD, perhaps I can make atonement for your sin."
(Exodus 32:30)
Joshua: "Now then, give me
this hill country about which the LORD spoke on that day, for you heard on that
day that Anakim were there, with great fortified cities; perhaps the LORD will
be with me, and I will drive them out as the LORD has spoken."
(Joshua 14:12)
Jonathan: Then Jonathan said to
the young man who was carrying his armor, "Come and let us cross over to
the garrison of these uncircumcised; perhaps the LORD will work for us, for the
LORD is not restrained to save by many or by few."
(1 Samuel 14:6)
David: Then his servants said
to him, "What is this thing that you have done? While the child was alive,
you fasted and wept; but when the child died, you arose and ate food." He
said, "While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept; for I said,
'Who knows, the LORD may be gracious to me, that the child may live.' "But
now he has died; why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I will go to
him, but he will not return to me."
(2 Samuel 12:21-23)
Mordecai: "For if you
remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance will arise for the Jews from
another place and you and your father's house will perish. And who knows
whether you have not attained royalty for such a time as this?"
(Esther 4:14)
Amos: Hate evil, love good, And
establish justice in the gate! Perhaps the LORD God of hosts May be gracious to
the remnant of Joseph.
(Amos 5:15)
Paul: For perhaps he was for
this reason separated from you for a while, that you would have him back
forever…
(Philemon 1:15)
All are heroes, some were
writers of the Bible, and one was an Apostle. If they were unwilling to make
assumptions about God's plans in their lives, we should be careful about our
confidence in knowing God's plan for us.
We certainly see in the Bible
God having plans and working in the lives of His people, but many times, they
did not know the complete picture until years afterward. Job certainly did not
understand why he was in his circumstances. Joseph did not understand until
years after the fact why he was sold into slavery and then thrown into prison.
Why do bad things happen to
good people? Perhaps God is working in our lives. Perhaps it is simply time and
chance.
I again saw under the sun that
the race is not to the swift and the battle is not to the warriors, and neither
is bread to the wise nor wealth to the discerning nor favor to men of ability;
for time and chance overtake them all.
(Ecclesiastes 9:11)
I do not know why things are
happening in my life. But I do know "whom I have believe and I am
convinced that He is able to guard what I have entrusted to Him until that
day" (2 Timothy 1.12). God is far wiser than I am. Although I may not
understand it, I know God's plan for me is in my best interest and is for my
betterment.
