Many people have asked us
"how are you doing?" and we have no idea how to respond. Instead of
posting a religious article, in an attempt to tell you how we are doing, I want
to tell you the story of Barnabas the Elephant.
Our twenty week appointment
with our doctor was scheduled for January 6th. This is usually when people find
out the gender of their baby. To surprise our parents over the holidays, we
decided to go to "Pregnancy Treasures" in Pinellas Park, Florida to
find out early. As the ultrasound technician was carefully taking
pictures, I could see before she told us that we were having a son. Though I
would have been overjoyed to have a daughter, I made a huge fist pump in the
air when we were walking to the car. The thought of our oldest being a boy made
me so happy.
Long before I met my wife, for
so many reasons, Barnabas has been my Bible hero. I said a long time ago that I
wanted to name my son after Barnabas, but I knew that it would be cruel to name
a kid "Barney." However, Acts 4:36 says "Barnabas" was a
nickname given to him by the apostles. His real name was Joses. Although we had
talked about it many times before, it was this day we decided for sure our
first son would be named Joses Andrew McDonald.
Later that evening we met with
two of our good friends at a mall in Tampa to see the second Hobbit movie. We
parked near the JC Penny entrance and went through the store. We got there
early so we decided to go look in the baby section. Megan was falling in love with
everything made for little boys. She especially fell in love with a blue and
white stripped plush elephant. We thought plush toys might come flooding in
with baby showers so we decided not to get it that night.
Three weeks later, we got the
devastating news that our son has Anencephaly. He never developed most of his brain or the top part of his skull. If he survives the birthing process, it is guaranteed that he will die
shortly after being born. I have never cried so hard as I did that night. Up to
this point, calling our parents and siblings was the hardest thing I have ever
done.
We have known about our son's
condition for a month now and there are nearly four months until his due date.
The emotions we now feel are everywhere. Although we have found ways to laugh
every day, our son is always on our minds. All of our lost plans and dreams
hurt so much.
Last week has been especially
hard. Between Megan and I, we had four Facebook friends whose babies were born
within a 24 hour span. Three sets of parents took their baby home. One of them
also had a baby with Anencephaly. Her sweet Daniel lived 39 minutes. 39 sweet,
wonderful minutes. Our heart has been breaking for our friend that we have yet
to meet in person. On the same day, a co-worker asked Megan, "Don't you
know what your body is going to go through? Can't you take care of that?"
It is not the first time Megan and I have been asked in a bewildered way why we
are not going to abort our son. We are sure it will not be the last.
On the way to the mall on
Saturday night to buy maternity clothes, Megan asked me if we could purchase
one of those blue and white elephants. I had just been thinking about getting
some kind of stuffed animal to name "Barnabas" for us to keep. I want
something that can be with us for family pictures that represents our son. We
do not ever want to forget him or leave him out of our family.
Unfortunately,
they were out of stock of the full sized plush elephants, but we did manage to
get the small one that is attached to a security blanket. Megan had the idea of
covering this small one in kisses and burying it with our son. In a small way,
a token of our love for him will be with his body until Jesus returns and calls
for that body to be resurrected.
Holding Barnabas the Elephant
now and knowing that it will be in the casket with my son is making this whole
process so much more real. It is starting to sink in that there will be a point
where I will have to hand him over to some medical professional I do not know
and walk away. I will watch his casket being lowered into the ground. I will
have to keep living my life without my Joses. The night we found out about our
son's condition was the only night I have cried more than we did Saturday night
holding this little elephant.
If you have asked us how we are
doing, know that we appreciate your concern. Do not be surprised if we say we
are doing fine. I wanted to write out what harder days have looked like for us.
There is no doubt that we are grieving. Thankfully, we do not have to
"grieve as do the rest who have no hope. For if we believe that Jesus died
and rose again, even so God will bring with Him those who have fallen asleep in
Jesus" (1 Thessalonians 4:13b-14). One day, I will be with my son
"and so we shall always be with the Lord" (1 Thessalonians 4:17b). By
these words we are comforted.
Edit: I posted this article and asked if people could go to JC Penny and look for the larger version of Barnabas. It seemed less than five minutes later that my brother sent me a picture in a text message of the elephant from a JC Penny in Nashville. Thanks for everyone who rushed to find one for us.
By Seth McDonald
February 3, 2014
